Yet Another Post on Men in Non-Orthodox Judaism: A Successful Solution?
Hi all,
So, I’ve basically been out of commission as a contributer on this site due to the arrival of our now-12-pound bundle of joy, a road trip for work, family visiting from overseas, and a vacation. Hopefully I’ll be posting regularly again now, and working on some new projects for JBC.org, and it will be good to get plugged in to the conversations again.
I thought I’d get the ball rolling again with a post on the new “Men’s Minyan” we’ve gotten going at my shul. We’ve had conversations on this blog before about the flight on non-Orthodox men from the synagogue, and some of you reading may be aware of this issue as a matter of experience in your own communities. My own shul, which is led by a female rabbi, and a group of lay-leaders and board members many of whom are strong Jewish women, is not immune to this phenomenon. As I’ve written on this site and on others, and as I’ve discussed with members of my own community, this flight has little to do with men not being able to handle women being in leadership (a suggestion I find both willful and patently absurd, and about which I am happy to talk/argue with anyone). I think it often has more to do with men - who are often duty-oriented - feeling like they aren’t needed anymore, and for whatever reason feeling like what is on offer is not worth going to receive. This is nobody’s fault, it is just the reality in many communities. A new study published by the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute tackles some important aspects of the problem.
The Reform Movement, which the study specifically identifies as being a sort of ground zero for this problem, has taken steps to organize activities designed for men, including men’s minyanim and study groups to act as counterparts to the many women-only activities found in their synagogues (i.e., Rosh Chodesh groups). A friend of mine at my synagogue and I decided to try to organize a Thursday morning Men’s Minyan for our community, and this is the fourth month we’ve been underway. We began by meeting once per month, but are now trying to meet twice per month. The purpose is to give men a place to pray together, discuss issues related to living a modern Jewish male life, and to learn davening skills, including laying tefillin. While our attendance has been good, and we’ve had fun, our meeting last week sort of blew me away.
One of the men who attends has a son who’s bar mitzvah was this month, and the father really wanted his son to learn to lay tefillin at this group. We sent out our usual email announcement, including a notice that the young man would be joining us to lay tefillin, and we had 16 men come. We ran out of tefillin because so many of the men wanted to wrap, and we had a great morning praying together, having breakfast, and talking. We made a minyan so one of the men was able to say kaddish for his recently-deceased mother with his brothers at his side. This may seem like not such a big deal, particularly to my Orthodox brothers and sisters who read this and who, obviously, are not familiar with Shabbos minyanim not well attended by men. But I was nearly choked up at the way it felt to be in sacred Jewish space with such a “big” group of the men from my community. It was wonderful. We had three generations of one family there, four men under 18, and several who laid tefillin for the first time in their lives. I hope so much that this group remains strong and committed to our Thursday mornings, because it seems clear that it is meeting a need they feel.
In a future post I will try to offer some tips for organizing a group like this; for what it’s worth, I’m sure they could be used to organize women’s or mixed groups as well. I also want people to be aware that our motivation for creating this group was not to return to pre-egalitarian days, but simply to have a space for Jewish men where our needs and comraderie are the focus. I feel strongly that as men have this deep need met through groups like ours, they will feel drawn to return to “regular” synagogue services and functions as well, because they will feel the community as a whole is interested in their needs being met too. I worry though that those who are dismissive of the absence of Jewish men from our synagogues (i.e., with opinions like the one voiced by Rabbi Rona Shapiro in this article) will object to groups like ours. If this happens, I worry that the relevance of non-Orthodoxy to Jewish men - specifically the Reform variety - will continue to fade, and Orthodoxy will become the only place where Jewish men feel they are valued, heard, and wanted. We should create communities in which both men and women feel their needs are met, in women’s and men’s groups, and in our community services where we come together.
kol tuv,
Yair
Your men’s minyan sounds great, Yair, and given all the momentous experiences of the latest meeting, it’s clearly an experience for which the participants are setting aside time and reserving for special occasions. Rabbi Shapiro’s article is driven by an overwhelming commitment to egal thinking, not just practice. She poses a number of questions in her 2007 article which may actually find their answers in Prof. Fishman’s and Parmer’s monograph (dated 2008). That level of egal thinking (like farbrennter feminism) can sometimes eclipse certain facts that don’t fit in with the theory. For example, while everyone can feel socially and spiritually equal participating in a service where everyone has the opportunity to lead, leyn, and get aliyot, sometimes it’s nice to feel special, to have one’s unique voice heard and responded to. That’s where teen groups, women’s tefillah groups, and men’s minyanim fit in. When talking about feminism, Virginia Woolf advocated having “a room of one’s own.” There is no reason to think that both sexes don’t need this. In a world where obligation has given way to personal choice, it becomes all the more important to have those venues and opportunities for people with similar interests to convene and connect with themselves, one another, and the Torah. Kol hakavod!
I think your group sounds great, Yair. From what you described to me last year, your shul is more feminized I would feel uncomfortable with myself, so it’s good you have a place for the guys to get together and stay connected. Perhaps you men will be able to help you shul start to become a place where men and women, not just a certain kind of woman, can daven comfortably. One never knows….
I’m personally not thrilled about separate men’s groups and women’s groups, but if a mens’ group is what it would take to keep my son’s connected to Judaism, then I would be all for it in a heartbeat! I’m just glad our shul seems to do well with men and women feeling at home so that my sons can be around many good male role models without their mother having to be elsewhere. I feel quite fortunate in that regard.
Anyway, I’m glad your men’s minyan is going well. I just hope you never reach the point where you’re meeting more than once a week. I don’t go to minyan every day like I used to, so I wouldn’t care if I couldn’t go one day per week, but more than that I think I would start to feel excluded. When I first started going to minyan regularly, sometimes I was the only woman, but now we have a pretty good mix. The guys aren’t leaving, we just usually have well over the number needed for minyan these days. Yes, I feel quite fortunate.
Seriously interesting post Yair!
Your post defiantly seems to touch on and even presents one possible solution to some of the problems I brought up a while back, when I did a couple of posts on the subject of “Jewish” egalitarianism. I see nothing wrong with creating a space that works for men. I agree with Yael, one day a week is good and something that should be acceptable to most in your community. Anything more (specifically regarding this minyan project) might come off as being a little exclusivist and who knows how that would play in your shul’s larger community.
Now as a grass roots activist and community builder, what I like most about this story is that (presumably,) you saw a need in your community and then decided to take the initiative and start working towards a solution. I know your geography creates limitations for you but that (at least in this case) it was to benefit to your community. If you had been here in LA you may have just moved to another shul down the street but because of where you are, you stuck it out and have created something new and positive for others in your community. You have people wrapping tefillin who probably weren’t previously doing this. At least not regularly and that truly an accomplishment on your part.
Yasher Koach!
Yair,
Great post. Your minyan sounds like a very positive space and I’m curious if the increased attendance there has brought an increased attendance at other services yet. Are there other daily prayer services offered at your synagogue? If not, how would you feel if a woman, seeing a very well-attended men’s minyan, asked to join?
Jenny
Hi all,
Thanks for your responses, and I’ll try to add some answers and comments to each all at once…
Shim,
Your comments were insightful, and I especially liked this part:
When talking about feminism, Virginia Woolf advocated having “a room of one’s own.” There is no reason to think that both sexes don’t need this. In a world where obligation has given way to personal choice, it becomes all the more important to have those venues and opportunities for people with similar interests to convene and connect with themselves, one another, and the Torah.
I think this is absolutely true. For whatever reason, many strong advocates of egalitarianism in the synagogue end up - consciously or not - promoting the idea that there are no differences between men and women worth noting in a Jewish ritual environment. But this assessment of things completely fails in light of reality - men and women ARE different, and sometimes need ritual and observance without the other. Your point is well taken. Thanks!
Hi Yael,
Thanks for your comments! Maybe I can provide some clarification on my thoughts on one of your points:
I just hope you never reach the point where you’re meeting more than once a week. I don’t go to minyan every day like I used to, so I wouldn’t care if I couldn’t go one day per week, but more than that I think I would start to feel excluded.
In my community, this is the only weekday morning minyan. There wasn’t one at all before we started this, so the comparison between us and a Conservative shul with 6 weekday morning minyanim is not really instructive. However, I understand your point. I think given the difference I just described, my response would be that women could certainly take the same initiative the men have, if they felt they wanted their own minyan. I would also really be for having daily minyanim open to everyone, but there simply hasn’t been the interest. Maybe, hopefully, someday there will be. Thanks again!
Avi,
Thanks for your comments too. Frankly, I have to give most of the credit to the guys who continue to show up, because with them there really wouldn’t be a minyan! Hopefully things will continue to flow as well as they have. I’ll keep you posted.
Jenny,
As I mentioned above, there are not any other weekday prayer services going right now at my synagogue; with most of the community having a Reform identity, there isn’t demand for one by enough people to make a regular minyan. Regarding your question: how would you feel if a woman, seeing a very well-attended men’s minyan, asked to join?
I have to say that my response would have to be a compassionate “no”. The reason being is that this 1-2 times per month meeting is a space for Jewish men to gather. Among regular service attendees, we are vastly outnumbered, and women could certainly gather a minyan 1-2 times per month if they wanted to have an analagous group. I guess it would sort of be like the idea that if a man really wanted to participate in the women’s Rosh Chodesh group that happens in our community, should he be allowed to? I argue strongly no. The group gives Jewish women a chance to bond and grow as Jewish women. Our men’s minyan does the same thing for us as Jewish men, and therefore, as long as I am leading it, it will remain open to men only. Thanks for your question though, it’s an important thing to consider!
kol tuv,
Yair
Sorry, didn’t mean to compare apples and oranges. I admire you for what you are doing, seeing a need and working to fill that need. Too many just kvetch.
Most women could care less about minyan. Those of us who do just have to be careful about where we live and where we daven to make sure we are in a place where we can be at home without it being a big deal. I would have no interest in an all women’s minyan, which is good since the likelihood of such a group actually forming would be slim.
However, that wasn’t what your post was about. I’m glad you’re helping men reconnect. That is a good thing for all of us.
Thanks again Yael!
This is a great post! I am Orthodox like Shimshonit, but worship at a Conservative shul, where the women count in minyan, and recently the big Conservative shul in town just got a female rabbinical intern. These are two ideas I can’t agree with. While women are equal in Hashem’s eyes, their ritual obligations are different - less. I do NOT like the Artscroll women’s siddur, for instance, and how it says it is frowned upon for a woman to say Kaddish. It does not count, which is true, but it’s a way to mourn and grieve - and further, Torah says that you should not chide widows or orphans (I believe in Shemos). I believe strongly that the obligations do not need to be the same to be spiritually rewarding.
Before anyone asks why I don’t go to an Orthodox shul, it’s because it’s 30 minutes away by car. I certainly mean no disrespect by my comments.
Hi Bobby,
No worries, I understand what you are saying above. Thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts. Regarding the ArtScroll Women’s Siddur… do you think the sort of hard core stances it takes on things are a result of being a Haredi publication? I am not sure if they publish an RCA version of the Women’s Siddur, and while I have many Modern Orthodox sympathies, I am not Orthodox… but it seems like a Modern Orthodox “version” of the same book might be less likely to discourage women from saying Kaddish as a means of comfort, etc. What are your thoughts?
Thanks again for reading!
Yair
I think ArtScroll is a good starting point for a baal t’shuvah, precisely because it takes the hard-core stance. But, a ger or Jew should not rely on ArtScroll only because it frequently purports itself as being what the original Judaism was over 3,000 years ago and that is the ONLY way. It has the different practises of Kabbalas Shabbos but as far as halakhah, the only position it publishes is the Chareidi, and if there is MO ArtScroll, I want one.
I think modern Orthodoxy is more sensitive to women’s issues within the frame of halakhah - i.e., while not ever compromising on Jewish law, the MO articles I’ve read on JOFA as well as blogs (I have a bunch of ArtScroll publications, but many of them are to the right). JOFA has many articles on women’s prayer, zimun, etc. and came out, as you probably know, against the ArtScroll siddur. I have briefly searched through it, and I didn’t see anything on Shelo Asani Isha (Thanks for not making me a woman), extemporaneous prayer, or anything like that. The sort of women’s siddur I would buy my Jewish niece includes both women AND men (e.g., rabbis and rebbetzin), proud of their role as Jewish women, etc. I think a MO siddur for women would be accepting of a woman saying Kaddish, though it would say that it would not count as a mitzvah.
But, I think I may have forgotten to respond to the actual post! As I said, the spiritual paths don’t have to be the same to be fulfilling, In fact, it is in my humble opinion that a lot of my discomfort results in the fact that in my shul, men’s/women’s obligations are seen as special and preferably performed by the appropriate gender. Judaism would be nowhere without strong Jewish women like Blu Greenberg. Women have always kept Israel on the right track, especially their husbands! I think there needs to be more awareness of the touchy areas of Judaism (feminism, homosexuality, disability) and a strive to better understanding of Torah. I am very warm and open to homosexuality, but I rely on modern Orthodox interpretations of “lie down as he does with woman” and “to’evah.” The organisation OrthoGays asserts it’s possible to be frum and gay, and discourages anal sex. For disability, I accept that if I were a kohen, I would not be allowed to offer a sacrifice because of my deafness. I feel that Hashem’s reason is not bigotry but to keep one’s mind on davening, and not something that looks different. It’s the same reason why Orthodox shuls have a separator for men and women.
In contrast with what really happens with the need for education, everything is either hush hush or that doesn’t apply. My only frustration with Orthodoxy is that some gays are actually afraid to come out, but any good community would note the laws of lashon harah and not shame him. On the other side, gays should behave as everyone else in the community; that is, be modest as sex, homo- or hetero- sexual, is private. Some Orthodox leaders, like ArtScroll, say this is the only halakhically acceptable position, take it or leave it. That’s not true.
Sorry this was so long!
Err, men’s/women’s obligations are NOT seen as special enough for them to be performed by their appropriate genders. There we go. But, before you ask why a man must light Shabbos candles if a woman isn’t there, it is because it ushers in Shabbos, but it is a woman’s mitzvah. Men only accept Shabbos for themselves, and women actually bring it in to the house (at least that’s my understanding).
Hi Bobby,
Thanks for your insightful comments, I enjoyed reading your posts above. I think you touch on a VERY important idea - that of different responsibility not meaning less important responsibility. This is a significant beef I have with many arguments for “egalitarianism” - that word means different things to different people, but anyway. My point is that even the Conservative movement recognizes that men and women have different responsibilities: for Conservative Jews, at least ideologically, the time-bound mitzvot are binding on men, and optional for women. Women are not devalued by men and women having different ritual obligations; the devaluation happens when women (or men in some “progressive” Jewish communities) are treated as anything other than equal partners in renewing creation. So I think many proponents of egalitarianism get kind of lazy in their arguments by using phrased like “separate is never equal,” when the fact of the matter is many strong, feminist Jewish women scholars - i.e., Blu Greenberg, whom you mentioned, also all of the women at places like Pardes in Israel - have determined that traditional Judaism is, in fact, NOT filled with inequality as a matter of substance, but of misinterpretation.
Regarding the ArtScroll “MO” siddur, check it out here:
http://www.artscroll.com/Books/srca.html
Whether or not the contents are actually “MO” depends I guess; it’s still edited by Chareidi editors. But it is the “RCA Edition,” and includes prayers for Israel, so I am guessing at least in part it bridges the gap between their other stuff and the MO hashkafah.
Ok, thanks again for the comments, and I hope we see more of you around here!
Shabbat Shalom,
Yair
Shavuah Tov, Yair, even though this a sad day for Adam Yisrael. I looked at the siddur you linked and it looks pretty awesome. I currently use the interlinear, but my Ivris understanding is increasing rapidly, so I might take a look at that.
Have an easy fast.
Speaking of ArtScroll, I found an interlinear RCA Shabbos siddur but no weekday. If anyone finds one, please post the link here, as I don’t particularly care for Chareidi and I’d REALLY appreciate it. It is too bad the OU that’s Modern doesn’t have their own siddur. You just can’t really compete with ArtScroll for Orthodox siddurim