JewsByChoice.Org

Jewish tradition tells us that the Second Temple was destroyed as a result of sinat chinam, or baseless hatred.  We mourn this destruction officially on Tisha B’Av, the full fast that falls on August 10 next month.

While "baseless hatred" sounds like a pretty extreme transgression of the Torah, what’s the opposite quality that we should strive to cultivate?  The term is dan l’kaf z’chut, which means judging others favorably, or giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Yair wrote a profound post on the related topic of shmirat halashon (the ethics of speech) in April to which I refer the reader who may have missed it.  It is based on his reading of Rabbi Joseph Telushkin’s book entitled A Code of Jewish Ethics, Volume 1: You Shall Be Holy.  On the same subject, the rabbis at the Chafetz Chaim Heritage Foundation make a video lecture every year which is shown publicly at Orthodox synagogues across the country each Tisha B’Av, as well as books of all of the Chafetz Chaim’s codified laws of speech, and daily lessons for those who only have a few minutes per day to devote to this very important area of middot (character development).  In her Overview to the book Chafetz Chaim, A Lesson a Day, Chana Nestlebaum writes, "Although most Jews are generally aware of the Torah’s prohibitions against loshon hora (improper speech), this devastating force has somehow glided through the centuries disguised as a relatively harmless aspect of human nature.  But the toxicity of loshon hora isn’t hard to grasp.  One need only examine the aspects of human nature that fuel it: arrogance, anger, jealousy, a critical attitude and a negative outlook.  That is the formula that energizes loshon hora and sets it flying.  …Conversely, when one follows kind, gentle words back to their source, one finds them embedded in the most wholesome aspects of man’s personality: humility, a willingness to avoid disputes, recognition of Hashem’s image in others, a focus on the good, and ahavas Yisrael, love of one’s fellow Jew."  I highly recommend this book.

All of these references can be helpful in developing a knowledge base about one of the most important aspects of Jewish living.  In addition, I’ve given thought lately to some areas where I think this theoretical knowledge can intersect with everyday living.  Here are a few of my ideas, in no particular order:

1.  Doing the homework. It’s important before making a judgment about something to be very familiar with it.  If someone asks my opinion about something I don’t really know much about, it’s okay to say, "I don’t really know much about that, and haven’t really formed an opinion."  If I don’t understand something, I should seek information about it rather than allowing knee-jerk emotions to do my talking.  One time when I actually got this one right was in my last meeting with the beit din.  Knowing I had had some trouble with the issue of hair covering, one of the rabbis asked me what my opinion was regarding the laws of the sota (woman suspected of adultery, found in Num. 5:11-31, and the basis for the rabbinic law regarding hair covering for married women).  Not having studied the issue in any depth (and sensing a trap), I answered that I hadn’t really studied that part of the Torah properly.  The rabbi persisted, asking for preliminary reactions, but I said I didn’t think it wise to form opinions without any knowledge.  I successfully evaded answering the question, and saved myself from looking foolish at a very important moment.  When faced with something that seems problematic, it’s wise to suspend judgment until I know more.  Questions to ask myself include "Do I understand this issue?  Is there more than one point of view about it?  Do I know anything about the person who has written this, or offered an opinion on it?"  I can learn more about it by looking something up, asking someone to clarify his or her words or thoughts, or saying, "I don’t get this.  Can anyone explain it to me?"  One practical extension of this in the blogosphere is taking the time to read and understand any linked articles before commenting on a post, and to let ideas sit for a while before writing comments, especially if it’s a topic that arouses my ire.

2.  Don’t worry about what others think. Parents tell their kids this all the time, not taking into account the extent of the peer pressure that exists in childhood.  However, one hopes that with adulthood comes an increase in confidence, an appreciation of the wide array of personalities, experiences, and choices that become part of an adult’s character.  Every person is a unique entity, and it’s important that we allow ourselves to be unique just as we allow others to be.  As I try to judge others favorably, allowing for circumstances I don’t know about to dictate their speech or behavior, I must allow them to do the same for me.  If I know I’m doing my best, following the path I believe is straightest, then let that be enough for me.  Many of the people we imagine are sitting in judgment on us either don’t know we exist, or are generous-hearted people who don’t make it a habit of judging others harshly.  To award them the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they are kind, non-judgmental people is to help create a world in which we feel more confident, and may be less apt to judge others in return.

3.  Don’t take it all so personally. I once worked as a software tester for a small start-up company, and found that the developers would sometimes get irritable when I showed them a bug in their code.  When I shared my frustration with my fiancé (a software developer), he laughed and drew me a diagram with his fingers in the air.  "This is you," he said, pointing to me, "this is me [pointing to himself] and this is the program" he said, pointing off to the side.  That helped me to distance myself from the problem, and when I shared my fiancé’s air-diagram with one sensitive developer, she was able to relax a bit more too.

Of course, taking things personally doesn’t just happen at work.  It happens in our personal lives too, as many converts are able to attest.  I have friends who, when they became ba’alei teshuvah, met with the immediate verbal response from family, "What’s the matter?  Aren’t I a good enough Jew?"  Parents can be hurt and disappointed when their offspring choose to embrace values or follow a path that they themselves have rejected.  (My mother left the house, slamming the door behind her, the first time my fiancé and I made Saturday morning kiddush in their house.)  Even strangers can get testy: Once at a party hosted by my department head in graduate school, another guest noticed I was not eating the food.  (My hostess had a kosher pie waiting for me in the kitchen.)  "Why aren’t you eating this?" he asked.  "I keep kosher," I answered, thinking that would be the end of the discussion.  It turned out that he was Jewish, and the discussion was far from over.  This man whom I had never met proceeded to harangue me about my elitism, superstition, and patronizing religious attitude for the next five minutes.  When he was finished, I excused myself and left the room to join a professor in the kitchen.  Later, the man’s non-Jewish wife came and asked me if I thought he was wrong not to keep the dietary laws as I do.  I answered that my decisions about what I eat and don’t eat are my own, and are not meant as a personal reproach to anyone else.  She thanked me, and a few minutes later sent in her husband to apologize.  After he did so, he explained that he had spent decades working out his beliefs about religion and was offended at the thought that someone would come along and criticize them as he thought I had done.  Obviously, the incident made an impression on me, which is why I remember it to this day, but even more remarkable than his irritation at my kashrut observance was his assumption that my religious choices were made in order to put him, a total stranger, to shame.

It’s easy to point to examples where other people have taken things personally, but what about me?  How will I react if my children become haredi someday?  Or stop keeping mitzvot?  Or move thousands of miles away from me, as I have from my own family?  How good a listener am I when I’m angry with them (or anyone else)?  Am I able to separate them and their behavior from the image I have of myself?  Am I patient and generous in how I judge people I meet?  With whom I have business dealings?  With whom I correspond by email or on blogs?

What does judging others favorably do?  It makes the world a safer place for us all to be ourselves.  If we try to see things from another’s point of view, we can begin to understand how complex an issue can be.  It can allow us to separate ourselves, our own needs, assumptions, and baggage from a situation that is really not about us at all.  And if we allow others to do the same for us, it can lift some of the fear we find we live in.