Egalitarianism Is a Two-Way Street - Avi Does Shabbat!
I just spent the better part of the day cleaning and prepping for Shabbat and although I’m kind of tired right now, I must admit that I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Prepping for Shabbat in our home starts with cleaning the apartment and by cleaning I mean, washing the kitchen floor, vacuuming everywhere, dusting and the much dreaded, cleaning of the bathroom. It also means preparing ALL OF THE FOOD we plan on eating at home throughout Shabbat, as we don’t cook once the Shabbat candles have been lit. Lastly, preparations also include cleaning up any messes made in the preparation of our Shabbat food, which is my least favorite part of the whole ordeal. Yes, even less enjoyable than scrubbing the toilet. Anyhow now that it’s done and I can step back and look at my handiwork, I can honestly say that I am happy with what I’ve accomplished and more importantly that I can already feel ,the oneg starting to bubble up in the sacred space I’ve created.
Anyhow, as I was doing all of this today, I began to think about the issue of egalitarianism and how it really is a two-way street. Unfortunately more times than not (at least in Jewish circles) people seem to equate "egalitarianism" with the idea of providing women equal access to participation in Jewish ritual life. For many, what comes to mind are things like women as rabbis and/or women counting as part of a minion. Yup, it seems to me that a lot of people limit their idea of egalitarianism to the ever increasing role of women, in what was previously the domain of men, Jewishly speaking that is. Well today, I was thinking about things flowing in the opposite direction.
This Friday I was the one who was at home (which is usually the case but that’s beside the point) and so Shabbat preparations wound up being done by me. This is perfectly fine because to be honest I don’t mind cleaning and I love cooking, so it all seems very natural to me. However, I realize that this isn’t the case for everyone of course and in fact someone recently pointed this out to me.
We have an Orthodox couple with whom we spend Shabbat afternoon with about once a month. They are a really nice couple, who are both warm and friendly but they seem to be a little too locked in to gender roles, at least to my way of thinking. The husband (who I will refer to as D) has some strong views regarding Jewish egalitarianism. Basically every time we go over to D’s he reminds me that the only reason we are enjoying such a Shabbat meal is because his wife stayed home and prepared it while he was at shul. He says, it’s great that women can become rabbis and all but that means their families aren’t getting proper Shabbat meals. This line of thinking rubs me the wrong way because it implies that only women should be cooking and preparing for Shabbat and (if you dig a little deeper in to what he means,) that men are the only ones who should daven at shul on Shabbat.
Okay I understand that he’s saying this as an Orthodox Jew and I can accept that Orthodox Judaism frames things (especially around gender) in a different way than Conservative Judaism does. I don’t even see anything wrong with him and his wife doing things the way they do, as they identify and live as Orthodox Jews and I believe in diversity. Having said that this type of logic and thinking is yet another example of why I am not and probably will never be an Orthodox Jew.
First of all, in my opinion egalitarianism isn’t about forcing every woman to go to shul or to become a rabbi. It’s about creating opportunities and options for people (read that as meaning both men and women) to decide how they are going to live their lives Jewishly. It’s up to every woman, couple to decide how they’re going to divvy up Jewish responsibility and living within their household. I think D’s comment is fair in that if a woman is going to become a rabbi and be at shul every Saturday, it’s probably going to happen at the expense of other Jewish roles/responsibilities. But so what! It’s up to the “ hypothetical” rabbi and her husband to figure out how to make Shabbat work in their home and there are ways to keep things sacred and holy without a woman being the only one who is capable/allowed to make it happen.
Anyhow, I’ve gotten a little off topic because I’m not really interested in the woman angle of egalitarianism so much with this post but rather what it means for us men. Today I realized that D’s view really isn’t just about women at shul, it’s also about men at home. I wonder what he thinks of me doing all the cooking and cleaning in order to make our Shabbat a sacred and holy time? I have no doubt, that it doesn’t fit in so well with his preconceived notions of what gender roles should be.
Okay time to get back on track here! This post isn’t really about Orthodoxy, what I’ve really been thinking about is how come, when it comes to egalitarianism we (liberal Judaism) don’t talk about the fact that it is okay or it should be okay for men (if they choose) to engage in Jewish roles that have traditionally been held by women. I’m not necessarily talking about full-time homemaking but even just one Shabbat preparation, like I did today. I’m sure it’s happening and I doubt that men are being prevented from cooking Shabbat meals if they want to. However I don’t really hear any discussion about it or see much thought being put into, how it changes the dynamics in a Jewish household and what the possible opportunities/pitfalls are of men taking on these roles? They’re just doesn’t seem to be much talk about this end of egalitarianism and to be honest I think that’s too bad.
I suppose that today (maybe for the first time) I realized that egalitarianism is supposed to be a two-way venture and that when it comes to Jewish roles, I think the other end of the spectrum should be explored and discussed a little more. I’m not suggesting that men have it as bad as women do. I’m just pointing out that, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of discussion on the subject. I mean we hear about men dropping out of shul life and that more leadership and synagogue roles are being taken on by women but A) we don’t hear about what effect this is having on the “observant” Jewish home and B) we don’t seem to be hearing about what opportunities and/or responsibilities such egalitarian changes are creating for men, when it comes to taking on roles which have traditionally been held by women. Has anyone ever heard of a study that looks at this subject? I know that I haven’t and I think it would be interesting.
Anyhow…
I often hear Orthodox men talk about the sacredness of the woman’s traditional roles and how what they do (in the home) is in many ways just as spiritually powerful and significant as what men do at shul. I think there’s some truth to this and I think it’s important to have a strong Jewish home. So as a member of an egalitarian Conservative shul, I am wondering why aren’t we talking about egalitarianism in this broader context. Why aren’t we talking about the voids that are being created by our approach to egalitarianism and/or how men can (or if the they even should be encouraged to) move into new roles to help balance things out? I’m not suggesting full out role reversals or anything like that. I’m just throwing things out there because I think they are worthy of discussion.
Care to share your thoughts?
Oh and by the way the image at the top of this post (which you can see a larger version of by clicking on it) is a shot at it this afternoon of our simple but lovely Shabbat table as set by me.
And on that note I wish you all a lovely and spiritually uplifting Shabbat!
Great post! I agree. I look at Shabbat as “here are the things we should do to maintain a Jewish household and keep the Sabbath” and let both of us divide the tasks as we can. In my house, it’s a team effort without respect to gender roles. For instance, I often say the candle blessing as well as the wine blessing. In fact, I’m the one who shoulders most of the ritual burden as I know the prayers, blessings and observances. I imagine it is the same in a lot of households where one of the spouses is Jewish (or trying to become Jewish) and the other isn’t. Egalitarianism truly is a two way street–both partners have to be willing and open to non-traditional ways of doing things. It’s interesting how much this is an American phenomenon. I feel like our society in general has been struggling with this ever since WWII started throwing mainstream gender roles out of kilter.
This is a really thoughtful post, Avi. Thanks for bringing your ideas out into the open.
I concur with Zachariah when he says, “here are the things we should do to maintain a Jewish household and keep the Sabbath.” When it comes to cooking and cleaning, it has everything to do with attitude, and less to do with religion. Some guys from religious homes pitch in with chores. Others from secular homes (like my dad) would rather eat spiders than be seen flicking a duster or running a vacuum. (Grilling seems to be the Great American Exception to this rule.) I would not view D and his wife as spokespeople for Orthodox Judaism any more than I would view myself as one. They’re as varied as non-Orthodox, from my experience. In our house, and in many other Orthodox houses I know of, the cooking and chores are shared. I know of some houses where one spouse (oftentimes the woman) is very proud of being totally incompetent in the kitchen. (Perhaps they think this affirms their feminism.) Gloria Steinem said, “Them what eats can also cook,” and while one doesn’t have to be able to write recipes for Bon Appetit, every human being of reasonable age should be able to put together a simple, nourishing meal for the family. And as to the cleaning, it’s common, even in very religious households, for Israeli men to wash the floor before Shabbat. I would also like to mention here my objection to parents (or just one parent) doing all the Shabbat prep. I have seen parents work themselves to the bone while their children sit in front of the TV and contribute nothing more to the chores than lifting their feet as the vacuum comes by. As my kids have gotten older, I enlist them to help as much as they are capable at their age. My older two take out the trash, and both like to mop (which, if a good sweeping job preceded it, is acceptable to my cleanliness standards). The way I figure it, I’m the CEO in this house and do my fair share, but that should not be confused with being everyone else’s personal slave. As my kids get older, I plan to pass off more tasks to them. It’s everyone’s Shabbos, not just mine, and for them to learn about the sanctity of Shabbat, they have to have some appreciation of what went into creating it.
Perhaps having women rabbis means they don’t have time to cook or set the table. But nothing says they can’t get good kosher take-out (if such a thing exists in their part of the world). Or that they can’t cook Thursday night for the weekend. Or that their partners or kids can’t set the table. Or that they can’t set the table for Shabbat lunch on Friday night after dinner. These problems are not insurmountable. A woman rabbi can work around her job to get Shabbat prepared just like everyone else. (AND gets to do cool stuff in shul, too.) If you don’t want to be Orthodox, Avi, there are plenty of reasons that have nothing to do with the chauvinism you’ve seen in Orthodoxy.
Hi Zach
I’m glad that you liked the post. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I enjoyed the thought process that went in to writing this post. I don’t think its terribly original but it got me thinking in a new direction. Also I like your collaborative (my phrasing not yours) approach to making Shabbat work and creating a Jewish home.
Shim
Thanks for commenting.
I think you bring up several point’s and I really like the way you and your family approach Shabbat.
You ended your comment off with
“If you don’t want to be Orthodox Avi, there are plenty of reasons that have nothing to do with the chauvinism you’ve seen in Orthodoxy.”
Absolutely! I don’t disagree one bit with your statement.
This post really wasn’t meant to be about ‘Orthodoxy’ or what ‘I’ think about it. It was about several different experiences which have led me to begin thinking about egalitarianism in a new way. Namely that it (maybe) a little one sided and unidirectional when it comes to the areas of Jewish life we apply it to. It was really more about me wondering aloud if maybe liberal streams of Judaism (like the CJ) might benefit from asking some new questions on the subject. Are we overlooking things? Are there something’s we need to start looking into more deeply? Are people in fact looking in to the subjects I have brought up and I just don’t know about it? That’s really what this post was intended to be about.
In reflection, I probably should have left out the part about D and his take as another example of why OJ is not an expression of Judaism that I am interested in for myself. It was off topic and not essential to any points I was trying to make or questions I was trying to ask. I will try to keep things tighter in this regard in the future when righting posts on such subjects.
Anyhow thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
Interesting post and comments! Shabbat at our home is very much a we’re-all-in-this-together kind of a thing, with my older two kids cleaning up “their” stuff, and helping us with making the meal. My wife and I both clean, and share the cooking responsibilities, although she does more of that than I do. Anyway, the idea of egalitarianism focusing on “what women can do now” is an interesting one Avi, and it might be, at least in part, why men leave non-Orthodoxy: men, who are often duty-oriented, are told (mostly inadvertently) that they aren’t needed. It’s an interesting thought to ponder.
Great post! And BTW, your flourish in decorating impresses me ;-)!
kol tuv,
Yair
Hi Yair
Thanks for the compliment. Also your point about men being (often inadvertently) told they aren’t needed is one of the point’s I was trying to make myself with this post. I’m not sure that many men are actually being told that they “aren’t needed” but it seems to me, that in some important ways, they aren’t really being told the opposite either. Namely that they are in fact just as needed as anyone else.
Me and my husband are orthodox. We share many houshold works and EVERY thursday my husband is cleaning WITH me.
He loves cooking and is many times helping me to prepare the meals, since we always have a whole bunch of shabbes guests. Also the men of our community care a lot for their kids. Changing diapers is no longer a women’s only”, also not in the orthodox society.
But in the end i don’t think egalitarianism is about that men and women do always the same things. Maybe it is more about how the things a person does are valued.
Hi Rose
you wrote:
But in the end I don’t think egalitarianism is about that men and women do always the same things. Maybe it is more about how the things a person does are valued.
I think that this is a fair conceptualization and one that I agree with. I think your framing is more cut in dry in situations where gender roles are more clearly defined. In the case of this post or at least with regards to the questions I’m posing (for better or worse) it’s not so clean cut. It seems that egalitarianism when applied in a more gender flexible context seems to be a little more complicated and apparently becomes more difficult to balance.
Enjoyed your post Avi
As a chassidic Orthodox Jewish famiy. Our family abides by the “We are all in the together” frame of reference. We all help out equally, even the kids. I bake the challah the night before, clean, set the table and do other house prep (TP cutting, lights, etc), my kids do most the living room cleaning, and my wife the cooking.
(although my 9yr old LOVES helping out with the cholent and for all intensive purposes makes the lion share of the cholent)
I don’t this you can generalize D’s views across all orthodox families. I would probably sound the same way, giving my wife the credit for our beautiful shabbos table. But in actuality we all help out. As (especially the dreaded winter months) I’m working during prime-time cooking hours, I don’t have the opportunity to assist with the cooking. It’s not a role thing per say, it’s more of an availability issue.
I think this is true with most orthodox families, our roles are defined by our availability. Shabbos prep is a puzzle, we all hold various pieces that come together to form the complete beautiful picture.
To quote the Wonder Pets, “What’s gonna work, Teamwork… What’s gonna work? Teeeamwork!” This is serious.
Rubin wrote:
Shabbos prep is a puzzle, we all hold various pieces that come together to form the complete beautiful picture.
Brilliantly stated my friend!