The Destruction of Jewish Identity is Bad for the Jews
Recently I read an essay in the OU’s online version of their publication entitled “An Unintentional Intermarriage.” The author was born to a Jewish mother and father, the mother having converted to Judaism through the Conservative movement. As the author and her husband took on more observances she came to the realization that (in her words) she was not Jewish. Her entire identity was as a committed Jew and it was suddenly thrown into turmoil.
As I questioned my halachic status, I slowly started to understand that even with my background, my memories, my desire to grow … it was not enough. It wasn’t that I wasn’t Jewish enough—I wasn’t Jewish at all.
I’ve been kicking around a response to this article for a couple of days now, trying to gather my thoughts into something that is at least a bit cohesive. What I keep coming back to is how destructive the attitudes in this essay can be, to the idea of Jewish identity, to familial unity and peace, and to the acceptance of the convert in their own time. I understand the need, the desire, to have a firm definition of who is a Jew and who is not a Jew. We, as human beings, want to have everything nice and ordered and perfect; I fit in this box, you fit in that box and we’ll all be happy. However, I’m under absolutely no illusion as to this either being a good thing, or something that actually works. What I personally don’t understand is the need to use these definitions as a way to marginalize and discredit the lives of committed Jews–Jews by choice, Jews by birth, BTs, liberal, Orthodox, etc. At a time in Jewish history when we should be encouraging people to continue to identify as Jews we are instead saying “You’re not Jewish”–if you were born to a Jewish father and not a Jewish mother; if your mother converted in a liberal movement; if you there is any question anywhere in you mother’s line of ancestry of Jewishness. Judaism is, at its core, a religion of deeds, of actions, of mitzvot. If we have people who, raised as Jews by a Jewish parent, and living Jewish lives DOING Jewish, I think it is only logical that they ARE Jewish. The same with someone who has converted; yes, there should be a process, and yes there should be hoops that we all must jump through, but in the end if you have taken on the yoke of commandments (however you view this yoke and the commandments) you ARE Jewish. Perhaps the author’s mother would not have been accepted by the Orthodox movement because of her observance level, but the author obviously was before the whole thing blew up at that Shabbes table. How is it okay to turn someone’s identity on its head?
As for familial unity, this woman is now declaring that her siblings are not Jewish, debating whether to attend weddings between them and non-Jews, or whether or not to let their children play together. How many years of anger, hurt feelings, and pain has this caused (and will cause) within her family? How is that Jewish? Isn’t it a Jewish value to preserve peace in the home? Does the author view this as no longer relevant because she no longer considers her family to be Jewish? It is one thing to question your own Jewish identity, to challenge yourself; I think it is healthy for everyone to take a look at how they view themselves as Jews, and if they have a problem, work on it. But as soon as you turn that inspection on someone else you are judging them against your own beliefs, your own standards of your own Jewishness, and I just don’t believe that is okay. Yes, be concerned with someone’s actions; be concerned with whether or not they are good people, but keep your identity issues to yourself.
And so I come to the convert. We all know that Reform and Conservative conversions are not recognized by the Orthodox movement; that is whole other can of worms I’m not opening right now. The point I want to make is that converts are held to a different standard than JBBs and even BTs. When the author and her husband were “just” BTs they were allowed to come to observance in their own time and still be considered Jewish, still participate fully in the Jewish community. But as soon as her Jewishness was questioned she had to go further than she was at the time prepared to as a BT to regain that Jewish identity. JBCs are expected to be more observant and must always be proving their Jewishness. There is a standard for JBCs are held to that many JBBs are not and many times they are reminded at each turn in their lives that they are converts.
I don’t think it is a secret that I view liberal conversions as just as authentic as Orthodox conversions. And I don’t think it is a secret that I am committed to the idea of Reform Judaism and personal autonomy. At the same time I respect and accept that there are other ways of being Jewish, even within the different streams themselves. Using words like “inauthentic” and “illegitimate” to describe liberal conversions further drives a wedge between the movements. When the author writes: “Just when a ba’al teshuvah (BT) is introduced to authentic Torah values often feels cheated by the vapidity of the religious system in which he was raised, the child of an illegitimate convert who does teshuvah feels doubly betrayed,” she is striking a blow against the Jewish people as a whole. Seeking to marginalize or de-legitimize an entire section of the Jewish community should be problematic for every Jew. We should all be concerned with the destruction of Jewish identity, but the answer is not to say “you’re not Jewish.” The answer should instead be to ask “how can I help you connect with who you are as a Jew?”
I’m hoping to write...
1) http://www .jewber...
I did a response to your original post on your personal blog over at MY personal blog, and I just wanted to sort of reference that. I guess I read this woman’s story and I disagree — completely — with her saying that she wasn’t Jewish at all. I mean, I understand that she was probably going through an identity crisis when it finally hit her that her mom was a convert and such, but that doesn’t negate her entire life’s work at being Jewish. I almost take offense to her statement — which you quoted up there. I think she has a lot of other things going on in her Jewish identity that make her say such things as "I wasn’t Jewish at all." That’s just a croc, and all converts know that.
On the same note I must mention that at the very end of that article she says she would do the whole thing over again, though, which attests to the whole "I’ll jump through whatever hoops you want me to, it’s your problem not mine" attitude that I have.
And finally, I think that it is important to mention that I am considering Orthodox conversion at some point, not just because I would loathe the day my children were to end up in a situation like this woman (for this is NO REASON to convert Orthodox, and it is dishonest as well), but because as I adopt more mitzvot and grow in my Jewishness, it is someplace that I see myself. Likewise, she was on the path of BT, so it was only natural that she go ahead and convert Orthodox if that is where she was going. And that goes back to her whole I would do it all again statement.
Anyhow, I want to thank you oodles for bringing the article to my attention. My Orthodox friend wants to read on it as well, and she felt the same way as me about much of this. It is too bad that this poor woman faced rabbis who were not helpful or considerate to the situation, and I imagine that this is not the norm.
Kul tov!
Chavi
I have not yet read the article but wanted to say that I think you put together a wonderfully thought out and sensitive post. Your end line, for me, speaks it all.
I agree fully that we should be encouraging Jewishness rather than abolishing one’s level of "Jewishness". It’s absurd that many orthodox Jews don’t consider reform as Judaism. If we go just by patrilineal standards, there are millions of Jews (guessing numbers here) who ARE Jews by birth yet still not counted. OH, and while I’m replying, it irritates the heck out of me that orthodox don’t even ACCEPT conservative or reform rabbis AS rabbis unless they were orthodox trained. This comes back to your point, what matters is that that rabbi studied, learned, knows, et. al.
Thank you.
This post - and the topic it examines - is of particular importance to me so thank you for sharing D’varim. I don’t have much time to provide a lengthy response but I’ll share a few thoughts.
First, I’m staking my entire academic reputation on the deconstruction and examination of American-Jewish identity so I’m not convinced that it’s necessarily all bad. Second, imo the national legitimization of the rabbinical courts in Israel have a lot to do with the problems this particular woman (and others like her) encountered. It’s a complicated issue that deserves more time than I can give here, but it branches out from state-sponsored legitimization of who is Jewish.
Third, addressing this part of your post:
"There is a standard for JBCs are held to that many JBBs are not
and many times they are reminded at each turn in their lives that they are converts."
For the specific moments in which someone explicitly questions my Jewishness I keep in my pocket that halacha forbids reminding a convert that he or she was once not a Jew. It’s not a nice response, but it quickly shuts up those that want to question one’s identity as a Jew (Bava Metzia 58b for those that are interested).
As someone who is Orthodox and holds by traditional halakhic definitions of Jewish status, i’d like to say that this is absurd:<i>As for familial unity, this woman is now declaring that her siblings are not Jewish, debating whether to attend weddings between them and non-Jews, or whether or not to let their children play together.</i>If her siblings are Non-Jews, why should she care if they marry Non-Jews? Does she think they should marry Halakhic-Jews instead, and have more Non-Halakhic-Jew + Halakhic-Jew intermarriage complications? And not letting her children play with their cousins? That’s just paranoia… what, are they going to catch "goy" from them?
Chavi,
I’m glad you responded on your blog; that was the extra kick in the pants I needed to really gather my thoughts and post here. I’m glad it has sparked some conversation. I agree with you that converting for the sake of future children being accepted isn’t really the best thing, but I’m also not so sure how I feel about re-converting in general. It’s not something I feel is necessary, but I respect people who do.
Tamara,
I totally agree with you on the rabbi issue; I’m always frustrated to hear that some local Orthodox rabbis won’t acknowledge that my rabbi (or any of the Reform rabbis in town) are, in fact, rabbis. This was brought up recently at one of our lunch and learns; my rabbi was relating a story about a local man in his previous city who had completed study through a correspondence course. My rabbi was concerned with recognizing this man as a rabbi, and the response he got from Mark Washofsky was that if a community recognizes someone as their rabbi, then that is their rabbi, no matter where they received ordination/semicha from.
Rachamim,
Thanks for the reference to Baba Metzia; I knew there was a prohibition about reminding a convert that they had converted, but I wasn’t sure where. As far as the breakdown of American-Jewish identity I’m not sure if I think that is good or bad; my contention is that the breakdown of Jewish identity as a whole is not good.
Steg,
If you would read the article you’ll see that the author herself was concerned with how it would appear if she attended these weddings or allowed her children to play with the other kids. I agree that it is paranoia about the kids, but I disagree with you about the marriage part as I don’t view them as intermarriages. But, you are perfectly entitled to your opinion.
I need to work on my reading comprehension - that or stop reading so much theory. I read the title of your post as "The Deconstruction of…" not "The Destruction of …", so yes I agree - the destruction of Jewish identity is bad; however, the deconstruction of identity is not so bad.
Jenny,
As you did with the original article, I’ve been taking a few days thinking about your post and formulating a response. You express many of the thoughts and feelings of Jews in the liberal movements, and reflect many of the frustrations and sadder moments of the author’s experience. But I think you miss a few points too, which I would like to make here.
I understand the need, the desire, to have a firm definition of who is a Jew and who is not a Jew… What I personally don’t understand is the need to use these definitions as a way to marginalize and discredit the lives of committed Jews–Jews by choice, Jews by birth, BTs, liberal, Orthodox, etc.
The definition of who is a Jew is not a modern invention concocted by the Orthodox to "marginalize and discredit" anyone (though one might think that from reading many of the posts and comments on this blog). It has been well in place for hundreds, if not thousands of years. I’m not sure what informs the matrilineal/conversion rule, since the Torah shows some people being born of Jewish fathers and non-Jewish mothers and participating fully in the Jewish world (perhaps the inspiration for the Reform movement’s embrace of patrilineal descent). But rabbinic Judaism, the only Judaism to survive the destruction of the Temple, is what we have to go on, and the rule is clear. From a psychological perspective, perhaps one can see it as answering a need, but I would see that as a human need, and not solely an Orthodox one. And Orthodoxy, like you, would rather everyone fit the same definition.
You also say,
If we have people who, raised as Jews by a Jewish parent, and living Jewish lives DOING Jewish, I think it is only logical that they ARE Jewish.
This fits in with some liberal perceptions of Judaism as a religion, but it overlooks the idea of Jews as a people, a nation. In Israel, where I live, there are (halachic) Jews of every color and ethnic background. They come from every country in the world where Jews have lived, and observe Judaism according to countless traditions, laws, and customs. I would hate to see any attempt at standardization of these varying observances for all Jews. The one thing they all have in common is halachah’s basic minimum—birth, or beit din/mikvah/circumcision—and that is quite enough for me. I don’t like that people who give their all to observing Judaism and rearing Jewish children are sometimes not considered universally Jewish any more than I like that there are so many unaffiliated Jews running around eating bacon cheeseburgers or worshiping blue monkeys. But adherence to the halachah of what constitutes a Jew gives everyone an equal opportunity: converts are considered Jewish by the pickiest of authorities (including the Jewish State) and those worshiping the blue monkey are always free to make their way back and rejoin the fold.
I read the article. What the author experienced was upsetting, like having the rug pulled from under her feet. I experienced something similar, having been told my whole life I was a Jew. It is jarring and wrenching to learn that what one has believed her whole life is untrue, and to have to regroup and formulate a plan for the future. But isn’t some of that pain shared by most people who convert to Judaism (or any other religion, for that matter)? Isn’t there soul-searching, concern about family relationships, and challenges to long-held beliefs? Some rabbis I know like to compare conversion to "birth pangs" (which I find amusing since none of them has ever given birth). I would liken it to the whole pregnancy and birth experience—the cramps, the aches, the stretching, the pain, the tearing, and then the healing. But at the end of it all, you have a new life in your hands—you and God (and your partner, of course) have created a miracle.
In your post, you misrepresent a small but important detail. She and her husband were eating in a kiruv rabbi’s house not as Orthodox Jews, but as Conservative Jews interested in taking on more observance. That her identity was turned "on its head" was because she was moving in that direction and realized she had to backtrack. If she hadn’t been interested, i.e. been content where she was, it might have bothered her for a while, and then she could have said, "Never mind. I’m the child of a Conservative convert living as a Conservative Jew. I’m where I want to be, and here I’ll stay. That kiruv rabbi and his wife can go fry ice." The fact that she didn’t shows her extraordinary dedication to mitzvot and her willful internalization of halachah. She’s the one who came to see herself as in need of an Orthodox conversion to be able to move on. I did too. It’s not comfortable, it’s not always fun, and sometimes you come across people who aren’t nice, but that’s childbearing for you, and sometimes, it’s Judaism too. But if you love it as she did (and as I do) it comes with great rewards. And once you have it, you never have to do it again. (Conversion, I mean. Childbirth is up to you.)
I’d like to conclude this comment with the author’s last two sentences which sum up her feelings about the whole experience:
The raison d’etre for the Jew is to change and grow beyond the limits we imagine we have. As I look back fifteen years to the beginning of my odyssey, to the woman I was at the rabbi’s Shabbat table, and see where I sit today, I realize that when I cast my lot with the Jewish people and commit to doing God’s will, anything can happen.
Amen.
-Shimshonit
Shimshonit,
It has taken awhile to respond, and for that I apologize, but while your comment certainly gave me a lot to think about, I still stand by my post. I made it pretty clear that I was approaching this from a liberal, Reform perspective. When it comes down to it I do a agree with the Reform movement’s decision to accept patrilineal decent when the person is raised Jewish. And I feel that the conversions through Reform and Conservative are valid. We obviously disagree, and I am fine with disagreement.
Jenny
Dear Jenny & JBCers,
It is rewarding to see the issues I raised in my Jewish Action article, “An Unintentional Intermarriage.” discussed and debated in earnest. Such questioning and debate is the reason I wrote the article. I’d like to address several points in “The Destruction of Jewish Identity is Bad for the Jews” and hopefully, shed more light and encourage even more debate—feel free to blast me wherever you find holes.
Jenny said, in thinking about how to respond, what she kept “coming back to is how destructive the attitudes in this essay (JA article) can be, to the idea of Jewish identity, to familial unity and peace, and to the acceptance of the convert in their own time.” She also feels that my choice of inflammatory words served to “marginalize or de-legitimize an entire section of the Jewish community.”
Why I do not feel that my attitude is destructive:
a) to Jewish unity –Jews have been unified throughout the millennia by a unified adherence to halacha. It is those who erode halacha in the name of acceptance who destroy that unique, unifying Jewish identity, NOT those who dedicate their lives-often at great sacrifice- to maintaining its eternal value to all Jews.
Jenny—the statistics speak: “although children of conversionary marriages did not enter mixed marriages any more often than did born Jews, in none of the cases where the children of converts married non-Jews did the non-Jews convert. The grandchildren of converts, then, unlike their own children, would grow up in mixed households. While 86 percent of husbands and wives in conversionary couples joined synagogues, only 38 percent of their children did.” http://www.slate.com/id/3660/entry/23966/
Assimilation-the real destroyer of Jewish identity- is taking place at a breakneck rate in non-orthodox families, and is not quelled by accepting non-halachic conversions or patrilineal descent. The problem is not Jews who do not accept the convert. The problem Jews who do not accept halacha. (more on this later)
b) to family unity and peace –Every healthy and loving family has to contend the choices of each of its members. How is my conversion/observance so different than my nephew, a floundering musician with a thousand tattoos; my cousin who was married in a drumming ceremony on Rosh Hashanna; or my favorite uncle who happens to be gay? Their lifestyles are wildly different than mind, but I love them. Their lifestyles sometimes make my sisters and parents uncomfortable, too. Yes, it took a while, but eventually we settled in to a new rhythm and get along just fine. BTW nowhere in my article did I say that I did not let my children play with my sisters’ kids! Nor do I judge them. The questions I ask, I ask myself and my rabbi; they are not aimed at others at all.
c) to acceptance of the convert in her own time- I disagree that JBC’s have to be “more observant” we just have to be observant. Period. And a JBB does, too. Every single Jew is obligated to observe halacha. Most don’t because they haven’t learned in a way that connects them to the authentic holiness, the greatness beyond our imagination of the eternal role of the Jew. I believe every single agnostic, liberal, conservative, reform, orthodox or autonomous Jew is a 100% kosher Jew. What makes them a Jew is the Torah-not their sincerity-or lack thereof, not their observance level-or lack thereof. Conversion candidates can take all the time in the world moving forward in their creep of faith. I developed very close relationships with two women in their pre-conversion years. Their sincerity, expressed by their dedication to learning while growing at their own pace, was the only criteria for acceptance in our orthodox community-even before they were Jews.
d) use of labels which marginalize, discredit sincerity
First of all, note that several posters discredited the rabbis who ruled my mother’s conversion invalid and questioned the sincerity of my and my rabbi’s motives. “it’s just a croc,” “national legitimization of the rabbinical courts in Israel have a lot to do with the problems this particular woman,” “this is absurd,” were some of the comments. These posters either did not read the article with an open mind, something you constantly ask of others, or they just did not read it well, like those of you up in arms because you got the erroneous idea that I won’t let my kids play with their cousins.
I purposely chose inflammatory words like “inauthentic” and “illegitimate” to describe my mother’s conversion and others like hers. There is truth in these adjectives. They are stark. They demand a response.
I hope that those who perform these conversions will realize they are “solving” a current issue and compounding a future one-for the very people they try to help. I hope they will respond by fully-without agenda- informing their converts of the potential consequences to their children and grandchildren, not to mention K’lal Yisrael.
I want readers like you and your children to feel uncomfortable enough to search incessantly and become fully informed of what has made Torah Judaism the authentic source for conversion for the millennia.
Jenny, I apologize if I have made you angry or hurt. I hope you will read the article again and take my comments to heart as I have yours. I do not doubt your commitment or sincerity in the least. You write with passion, champion understanding and express your concerns for the Jewish people in modernity. Often, however, modern values are in conflict with eternal values of the Torah.
All the best in your continuing quest,
GD
Gila,
Thank you so much for coming to the site and commenting. It means the world to me, I know, to see the source material come to life through the words of the author him/herself in the comments.
I know that I read your article and saw the hurt, but I think myself and D’Varim had very different reactions to your piece.
Once again, thanks for coming and sharing your piece!
Kul Tov,
Chavi
Gila,
I appreciate you taking the time to read my reaction to your essay and to respond. Obviously we both feel very strongly about our different views on the subject and I don’t see either of us changing those views. However, I appreciate debate and disagreement. That said, the fact that you admit you want me and my children "to feel uncomfortable enough to search incessantly and become fully informed of what has made Torah Judaism the authentic source for conversion for the millennia" shows me that you are not really interested in truly hearing other views. The idea that you want to make anyone uncomfortable with who they are is, in my opinion, quite unfortunate and incredibly condescending. I’m not going to try and convince you of the legitimacy of the Reform movement or of liberal conversions as I believe it would be a waste of time on my part.
I stand by my statements in my response. I do think that attitudes like the ones you hold are destructive to Jewish identity and I’m not going to apologize for that.
Jenny
Gila,
While searching for the appropriate words to respond to this post I came across your response. I could not think of how to phrase my thoughts, but yours was well thought out and clear.
D’varim
In response to the following:
“That said, the fact that you admit you want me and my children “to feel uncomfortable enough to search incessantly and become fully informed of what has made Torah Judaism the authentic source for conversion for the millennia” shows me that you are not really interested in truly hearing other views.”
First, it obviously we are all interested in others views. We are all reading this blog. One person shared individual thoughts, please be open minded enough to hear what you may consider a “non liberal” opinion. The point is that there have been standards for millennia around the world. I thin the point may have been overlooked in this statement, and in the article. Let’s go back to the source, let’s go back to Torah. The love of Torah, learning it, etc., is wonderful. Water it down and translate it a few times and you have the Christian old testament. Love. Peace. Everyone can be, should be - everyone is happy.
But if a person really studies Torah, and learns all the in’s in and out’s (even on a beginners level), it is almost impossible not to realize the beauty and complexity of the Torah and of life. Torah is not a simple thing. Life for a Jew is not a simple thing. Since Jewish life is taken so seriously, every conversion and future Jewish life is a serious matter. It’s not about grasping onto the “whatever we can get because it’s going fast.” I’m not interested in arguing the semantics of each conversion, and I am not knowledgeable enough to do so. However, in terms of taking the matter so seriously and having a strict standard, I cannot disagree. We have had the standard, it is based on something concrete, and quite frankly, it has served us well. Have we really devalued ourselves enough to make what we have a mere shadow of what we could be? There is nothing wrong in demanding the best. We demand years of ourselves to learn our trade, to get a PhD, and MD, an MSW - even most BA’s take four years. So yes, I think it is okay to work for it, to be knowledgeable, and to really want the final product. It’s a title and a neshama that a converted individual attains, and from a halachic perspective it is something that affects _every_single_ Jewish neshama.
However, there is something wrong with being treated like less than worthy. Jewish people, for all the great ones, are still just people. I’m sorry you have had a bad experience, and either scratch it up to a few poor experiences or a misguided community. No matter what the halacha, treating others with respect is a core Jewish value, and should not be selective. I have seen things like this happen before, and even when I am not affected (especially when I am not affected, for some reason) it really, really hurts.
Thanks to everyone for your opinions. They are most interesting.
I haven’t weighed in on this conversation thus far, not because I don’t have anything to say, trust me I do. I guess I just haven’t felt like putting in the required effort that it would take to make my point (and defend it) and more importantly I don’t think anything I or anyone else says, is going to change this women’s mind about where she comes from, her family and/or her Judaism. And that’s ok because after all it is her life not mine.
However today I ran across a post from my online friend (and sometimes stalker) Jack that pretty much sums up what I think of this women’s style of BTness . The post which is titled “Why The Baal Teshuva World Irritates Me” is bang on and IMO completely relevant to our discussion, even though it isn’t specifically about converts or conversion. It hits on what I am convinced is the underlying issue. It really is a great read so go and check it out.
As far as I am concerned this women was always a Jew and will always be one. Yup, to my way of thinking she is a BT and not a Ger. That’s just the way I see things but I can understand and respect that this is not the way she sees them. I respect her choice to move towards a level of Jewish observance and living that makes sense to her. I even understand why she might feel that she needed an Orthodox seal of approval to live the Jewish life she wanted to live. However, I won’t be letting her define me Jewishly or otherwise and I pray that her “not Jewish enough for prime time” family has the strength to do the same.
There is more I could say but I think I will let Jack have the last word with a short quote from his post.
“I don’t have a problem with BTs in general and applaud their decision. All I expect is that they open their eyes and look around. In spite of what some say, it is a big world and there is no one singular path to Hashem.
Just as they say they’ll daven for me, I daven for them”