Offensive Comments (do not equal) Jokes
A couple of weeks ago a friend’s husband asked her if “the little Jew-girl wanted to join us to eat fish for Jesus,” in reference to me. I kind of laughed it off at the time, but later thought about it and was bothered.
Then last night I was at my mom’s for dinner and my sister said that her boyfriend wanted to give me a Bible “so that I would see the light and come back to Jesus,” pointing out that he was joking at that she thought I would think it was funny.
Truth be told, I don’t find either comment funny. I find them a bit disturbing, in fact. The first one because the title of “Jew-girl” feels pretty derogatory. I know that my friend’s husband is not anti-Semitic, but he does have a tendency to say things and not care if people find them offensive (and, in fact, will say it more if you do find it offensive), but especially in light of the rest of the comment, it just doesn’t feel right. And my sister’s boyfriend… well I don’t know him. I haven’t met him yet and I don’t know how he meant it, really.
But, where I’m going with this is that I feel like sometimes people think it is okay to make comments about my Jewish-ness because of my status–because I am a convert. It’s almost as if they feel like “well, you were once on our side, you’ll find it funny, you’ll play along.” Frankly, I find this disturbing. Not only does it say to me that you aren’t truly respecting me and my choices, but it’s saying that you think it is perfectly okay to make fun of Jews. And beyond making fun of Jews, openly joking about someone “coming back” to Jesus is rather frustrating. I don’t feel I ever “left” Jesus as he was never truly a part of who I am anyway; it suggests that my choice is a fickle one and won’t last. I honestly go out of my way with my family to not make them feel uncomfortable with my choice; I talk about my temple and my religion when asked, but I don’t bring it up with certain people. I don’t hide it, and I’m certainly not ashamed of it, but it’s because of comments like these that I stay in the background. I tell myself it is shalom bayit, peace of the house, and accept it and move on. But sometimes things just want to bubble to the surface.
This is kind of a ramble, but it’s been really bugging me and I was wondering if anyone else experienced comments from family or friends or co-workers in a similar vein.
If by comments you mean being told I belong in an oven, then yes I suppose you could say I’ve heard a few. It’s sad, but as soon as I read the first sentence I was nodding my head vigorously to everything you said. I’ve experienced the same sort of slighting attitude, the anti-Semitic jokes, and the "it’s a phase" frustrations.
Oh, and I’m going to hell, according to my sister-in-law.
I’m sorry that you’re also dealing with this from your family and acquaintances. Although I agree with the concept of shalom bayit, I also have a hard time letting hurtful comments from close family slide. I politely but firmly point out that I don’t appreciate the "jokes," and that I’d rather they didn’t say them again. So far it has only lessened the amount, but at least they know I’m not "in on the joke."
Have you thought of speaking directly when comments are made? Do you think it would cause a greater rift, or could it maybe open up more understanding and sensitivity?
I spent many years on a web forum with people I worked with in college taking abusive, antiSemitic comments, and that was before I’d even converted. I stood up when every comment was made, and others did, as well. But it never ceased. The offhand and outright remarks drove me from that forum last August. I put up with it for far too long, but I think that my "friends" thought it was okay simply because we were all "friends" and in person I’d get that slug in the shoulder with "you know I’m joking, right?"
But then there are situations like this past weekend when I was at the bar with friends and we were all a little toasty and my friend started saying "You know, I hate the Jews …" and then would list off reasons why. But he did it with the flip of his hand, and he’s a lapsed Catholic and I knew, very clearly, that he was not trying to offend. He even apologized excessively the next day, but it was fine. I knew he was joking.
I mean, I don’t make comments like this about people of other faiths. I can think of one Jesus joke I’ve uttered a few times, but I always felt horribly guilty and wrong after saying them and never uttered it again.
I firmly believe, though, that upfront confrontation, not giggling, but keeping a stern, serious face, raising your eyebrows, cocking your head, crossing your arms, and giving a stare, will be enough to say "I don’t find you amusing."
There’s a trend that has arisen in response to the political correctness of the 90’s - it is the trend of being deliberately and patently offensive for comic effect. Some websites like Fark.com are practically built around it. At times it can be funny, but there is still a line, and humor can quickly become douchebaggery. Where exactly that line lies varies from person to person.
One of my brother’s friends heard about my conversion and said "tell her nooooo - Jesus is the way!" I howled. I knew she was kidding around, and it was funny. On the other hand, I’ve actually stopped speaking to a family member because of his incessant proselytizing. The same comment, in 2 different contexts, is entirely different.
Speaking of context, Jews are also known for a sense of humor. Most rabbis could tell you some "priest and a rabbi" jokes that would make your toes curl. Sometimes people feel that it’s okay to make fun of Jews because Jews make fun of Jews. It’s actually their way of trying to "participate" in your Jewishness.
Again, context.