Help for a Friend Who’s Leaving the Tent
A friend of mine e-mailed me, asking for some inspiration, and some sources, to share with a Jewish friend of his who’s marrying outside the faith and who thinks that, as a result, he’ll have to leave Judaism altogether.
I wasn’t sure I was equal to the task, but below is the e-mail I wrote to my friend to pass along to his friend. Then I thought: Hey, who better to ask than Jews By Choice?
This friend of a friend doesn’t want to pressure his wife to convert, and she hasn’t offered. The gentleman in question solidly identifies as a Jew, but he’s also committed to the woman he’s to marry. He thinks he’s got to choose one or the other.
Please help me help this guy. Tell me what else I should convey to him. Thanks.
The important thing to note, as I may have told you in our brief conversation the other evening, is that Judaism is a religion that relies on the outsider, that needs the outsider, and who’s very identity is intertwined with that of the outsider.
One example is Yitro (Jethro), Moses’ father-in-law. Zipporah, Moses’ wife was a Midianite, and her father, Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, was a Midianite priest. Still, Jethro comes to meet Moses in the wilderness, and when Moses recounts what has happened, Jethro rejoices for and with Moses, and offers thanks to God. Moreover, it is Jethro who very possibly saves Moses, and in so doing saves the Jewish people from themselves. Jethro observes Moses adjudicating disputes from morning to night, and tells Moses he’s going to kill himself if he keeps it up. He tells Moses to appoint heads of tens, heads of hundreds, heads of thousands and tens of thousands, to adjudicate smaller disputes, and to only bring to Moses those disputes the ‘lower courts,’ as it were, cannot resolve. In this way, he instills a kind of democratic and judicial system into the working of the earliest Jewish society, without which it may well not have survived.
Ruth is another example — again, a Midianite, who famously says to Naomi, after her husband has died, “Your people are my people. Whither thou goest, I will go” (Ruth 1:16). Ruth’s faithfulness to Naomi becomes not just faithfulness to Judaism (”Your God will be my God”), but the root of the Messianic tree: she is the grandmother of David, from whom it’s said the Messiah will descend.
Esther,, the heroine of Purim, saved an entire Jewish society through the influence she had on the non-Jewish king of whom she was but one of dozens of wives. Abraham, the patriarch and archetype of generosity, made the Jewish mold but lived predominantly amongst pagans and idol-worshippers: he was Jewish before there was Judaism, and was, until quite late in life, a perpetual outsider. God saw in this outsider a unique ability to perceive — and ever since Abraham, this perspective has been called upon, again and again, to revivify Jewish thought, renew Jewish pride and reinvigorate Jewish worship.
In a more contemporary sense, every single Jewish denomination depends more and more heavily upon, and gives more credence to, the contributions of converts, and spouses in mixed marriages — especially Reform, Reconstructionist and Renewal Judaism. These are (to my mind) the most vital of the branches of Judaism today, and the places where the most progressive thought and vibrant worship are occurring. This is not in spite of but precisely because the energy and perspective of those who have been and/or consider themselves to presently be outside the Jewish tent.
Again: this is not new, this contribution of the outsider. But it is and always has been a vital source of Jewish inspiration and renewal.
There are, of course, books to turn to that deal with or touch on the subject. These include The God I Believe In: Conversations About Judaism by Joshua Haberman (which includes insights from, among others, Franz Rosenzweig, a pre-Holocaust German who turned back from conversion to Christianity and became an influential Reform Jew); and a brand-new book that I really want to read: The Boundaries of Judaism by Donniel Hartman, [son of Shalom Hartman, the] founder of the Hartman Institute in Jerusalem and one of the greatest Jewish thinkers living today. The table of contents suggests that this book will take a very literate but very controversial (to the Orthodox) look at who is a Jew, and the questions of marginalization, deviation and tolerance. By the way, the Hartmann Institute just announced the first Orthodox rabbinic ordination program that will ordain women as rabbis. This guy is pretty cool.
Sorry to go on like this. The message to convey to your friend, as far as I can tell, is that very strict, ultra-Orthodox Judaism defines itself into power by saying, basically, ‘You’re all the way in, or else you’re out.’ No other Jewish denomination says that; no other denomination could survive, let alone thrive, if it held to that notion. Jews may argue, but Jewish history is clear: the impartial outsider, the returning wanderer, the convert, the intermarried, the seekers are the ones who renew our traditions, spread the roots of the Jewish tree into new soil, and nourish those roots with new thought, new blood and new hope.
This is not just me talking. This is backed by millennia of Jewish text, scholarship and history, which show that the outsider has played not just an important but an essential and even a formative role in the progress and continuous renewal of Judaism down the ages.
Hope this helps, and hope you’re well.
Thanks, everybody.
“The gentleman in question solidly identifies as a Jew …”
Is he religious? Observant? Goes to shul? Identifies with a movement? Or is he a cultural/secular Jew?
These might be irrelevant, but will shape how I answer the question
-Chavi
My JPS translation of the Tanakh has Ruth as a Moabite, a descendant of Lot. I always thought that particularly moving, since the Moabites were one of the tribes that Jews were explicitly forbidden to intermarry with, yet Ruth, the ur-convert, is the grandmother of King David.
You might also consider saying something about rather than abandoning Judaism outright, making his Jewish-ness part of their life together keeps the door open towards them becoming a wholly Jewish family–or at the very least, their children and grandchildren keeping some sense of their Jewish heritage, which might lead them to convert back into the fold (as it were) later. Speaking from experience: my boyfriend of almost four years is a born Jew, and while I am not converting not marry him, I’m pretty sure I would’ve opened up to the idea of converting a LOT quicker if I hadn’t had a sense that his family would’ve been a lot happier if I wasn’t in the picture. If he makes it clear to her that she will never be welcome in the community, she is very, very unlikely to want to make overtures to it. Furthermore, if he’s a fairly devout Jew, I am afraid he is risking resenting her later for “exiling” him from the community.
I’m no expert on the subject but here are few resources that I think are safe and probably going to be helpful.
JOI: Has tons of great info, not to mention (I believe) programs specifically geared to addressing the needs of intermarried families where one is Jewish.
See their FAQ on the subject here.
Your friend might also want to check out http://www.interfaithfamily.com they are all about doing outreach to interfaith couples. You can check out their mission statement here. I have no doubt that this is going to be a helpful resource for you’re friend, so get him to check it out.
Lastly just a few weeks ago there was a great radio podcast on this very subject from the Interfaith Voices People. You can access the Podcast here. I listened to it and thought it was great and I would suggest getting him (the friend) to DL and listen to it as it might help lift his spirits and see things and a more optimistic light.
Oh and last but not least, here is a link to The Dovetail Institute, they were featured in the Podcast I mentioned above. They seem like an other great resource, so have a look.
Ok that’s all I can think of I hope this helps!
Be well Avi
First, marrying someone from another is not the same as leaving Judaism behind. I hope that that is clear. But if the Jewish community is not supportive of the decisions that he has made, then it will to push him out of the community.
Second, the challenge is to change the focus of the conversation. I dont think that this is a cerebral discussion.But it is about “why be Jewish?” Instead of focusing our attention of whether the community should be welcoming of interfaith couples, we need to focus our attention on why should they or anyone else choose to be Jewish and raise Jewish children.
This doesnt happen by reading. this happens by experiencing vibrant Jewish institutions and vibrant Jewish communities that provide meaning to our lives.
Just to add to that, I think there needs to be some conversation about where the woman he’s marrying is at, religiously. Does she practice her other faith, or is she lapsed? If she practices, it may be off-putting to suggest she considered Judaism for herself. Does she then require that her future children share her religion? We know of many spouses of other religious backgrounds who still contribute to the raising of Jewish children (TheMothersCircle.org), though it is certainly more challenging to raise children in a religion different than your own.
What kind of conversations has this person had with his spouse-to-be about their religious future as a couple and family?!
Usually, intermarriages are between two people who are much more secular than religious in outlook. Perhaps that’s why he thinks he’s leaving Judaism, because now, for his family to “remain” Jewish, he’s actually going to have to DO something Jewish.
And he’s going to have to convince his wife-to-be that it’s worth doing. Luckily, for the non-religious, Judaism can also offer community and peoplehood. So I’d emphasize those sources in the community that can help them find a welcoming place. We at JOI would be happy to have a conversation with them or anyone else in that position, and make personal recommendations. (Thanks, Avi, for the mention.)
Thanks for your comments, everyone.
Chavi: I think this friend of a friend was raised in an observant Reform household.
Alissiana: You’re right. Ruth was a Moabite. I should never try to answer peoples’ questions without at least a Tanakh in front of me.
Rabbi Olitzky: Thanks for your response. I think we all know that marrying someone from another faith is not the same as leaving Judaism behind. This man, however, feels he has no choice: he feels his Chinese wife will never be accepted, won’t convert unless under pressure, which he wouldn’t dream of doing, and that she won’t be accepted by his parents or his community. He’s choosing not to subject her to that.
I think it’s clear, too, that a vibrant Jewish practice “doesn’t happen by reading.” What reading can accomplish, however, is the seeding of recognition in this person that his challenge is not unique — nor is it un-Jewish. There’s precedent for him to learn from and feel relieved by. You’re right: he needs a welcoming Jewish community, of which there are many.
Avi: Great suggestions, thanks.
Paul: see my comments about this gentleman’s wife above. One very pertinent fact I seem to have left out is that he’s lived in Hong Kong for many years, and his wife is Chinese. Judaism will be very strange and very new to her, I sense, although again, I haven’t gotten a lot of details from the friend who related this story to me.
Again, thanks, everyone.
I just wanted to share that I find this discussion quite interesting. My feeling is simply that it is obvious to me that Judaism is important enough to this gentleman that the issue has come up. I think this man has a definite connection to Judaism. If it’s that important, even if his wife isn’t Jewish, he can practice Judaism; whatever that means to him. If it’s giving his children Jewish names, lighting Shabbat candles, lighting a menorah, hanging a mezuzah, etc. These are ways that I, who considers myself a serious Jew, personally connect. Perhaps his wife will see these beautiful and symbolic things as something to explore, embrace, or at least be a part of for the sake of her husband’s desire and happiness. Of course, if she is already devout to another faith, this is where it might get complex.
Either way, for the sake of the children, I hope they are taught and understand their Jewish heritage on some level.
Hi David,
I am sure you’ve thought of this, but in the spirit of what Rav Olitzky wrote about reading versus experiencing… invite your friend and his fiance over for Shabbat dinner. Shlep them to a Shabbaton somewhere. Get them somewhere where they will experience a vibrant Judaism which welcomes her. If they live a prohibitive distance from you, you could always send him info on such things near him.
Is he thinking of converting to her religion? If not, he certainly doesn’t need to leave Judaism. Parents often feel very passionately about the decisions their children make, but your friend will hopefully not confuse his parents’ reservations (or his fear of them) for Judaism. I think exposure to the types of Jewish expression you’ve suggested (and others, including me) would demonstrate to him that there is a Judaism that would welcome his fiance as a supportive, non-Jewish spouse, just as my wife is recognized in my community. Who knows, maybe after feeling welcome in this way, she’ll decide to convert!
b’chatzlecha!
Yair
I married outside the Jewish faith, and it never occurred to me for one second that I would have to give my faith when I married my husband. Before we got married, I expressed my expectation that our kids would be raised Jewish and would have B’nai Miztvahs. I also said that if he wanted them to have a Christian education, that was fine with me but he doesn’t identify with organized religion, Catholicism or otherwise so that wasn’t an issue. I can say that if he didn’t support my expectation, it would’ve been a deal-breaker. So, it’s definitely not an all or nothing deal for me. A person that would be willing to marry outside his or her faith, by extension, is also a person that is willing to negotiate the extent of their observance. So, why does your friend feel that it has to be an all or nothing deal?
The second to last paragraph in the body of your email is absolute poetry. Just excellent!