JewsByChoice.Org

(Cross Posted at Tamara Eden)

Last Shabbat we went a little early to synagogue (shul). Because we were early, the Gabbai asked both Avi and I if we would like to help with the service. Each Shabbat, for those of my 5 readers who don’t know, there are places in the service where people from the community are called upon to participate and receive the blessing of a mitzvah.

Both Avi and I are not 100% comfortable going to the bimah to help. We have our unique reasons for this uncomfortableness; however, being at shul so early, there was a need for volunteers. And that’s when I stepped outside my comfort zone and agreed to do the second Aliyah. To be honest, I think the last time I gave an Aliyah may have been as far back as my Bat Mitzvah, which was in 1985. Since that time, I had (until this past year), mostly been at Chabad for services where, as you know, women do not in any way participate in the services. At first I didn’t “get” Chabad. But after many years, I came to terms with the notion that it was acceptable for women to not do Aliyot, carry or dress the Torah, etc. After all, I had already done that as a Reform Bat Mitzvah so it’s not like I hadn’t experienced it before. Selfish huh?

As I sat in shul with the laminated card that our gabbai hands out instructing the person on which Aliyot they are giving and what to do at the bimah on the back; I thought about going up to the bimah. I had to come to terms with some of my feelings about women and synagogue life. You see, growing up I had no issues with women on the bimah or anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, I STILL don’t have issues. My issues are with where I fit and what I want to do for me.

For me, wearing a kippah is not an option. I don’t care for it and I see no need, as a women, to do so. Understand that if other women choose this (as many at this synagogue do) I support that. I just ask that they too support my choice to not do this act. Another thing that has always felt “off” for me is wearing a Talit. Although I grew up reform, most men in my shul did wear Talit. And although it is not as clear a memory for me, I’m thinking that some women wore them too. For my Bat Mitzvah my great grandmother, who was then in her 90’s gave me my Bat Mitzvah talit. I wore it at my ceremony, and from what I recall, one time for the high holidays but it just never felt right. And so, I opted to not wear one.

And so that takes us back to the point. I was about to go to the Torah. I was about to give an Aliyah. Part of this ritual is taking the fringes of one’s talit and touching it to the beginning and then the last letter of the portion being read. What to do if one does not wear a talit? I decided I would wear one provided by the shul while I was up at the Torah. I went and grabbed one, said the appropriate blessing, kissed the corners, and draped it around my shoulders. It didn’t feel so bad. It didn’t feel sacrilege.

A couple of nights ago I went a got out my Bat Mitzvah talit. I’m thinking that I still don’t want to wear one in shul. However, if I am needed again to give an aliyah, I will wear the one my great grandmother gave me for that honor. And then, I will respectfully fold it away for another time. Perhaps some people at shul will find this odd. As for me? I find it a beautiful way to participate in an eglatarian shul while still being true to what feels best for me.