Reflections on Joining The Tribe
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a Christian blogger who (I suppose) is undergoing something of a crisis of faith. He didn’t really ask me for advice per se, but he did float a few questions my way. His inquiry got me thinking about individuals and their motives for conversion. Not so much questioning his, but conversion motives in general. To help me in replying to his e-mail, I decided to revisit several papers which I wrote during my own conversion process. In rereading these essays I was struck by the fact that although I have changed a great deal since that time, something which I consider so important today had in fact been present, back then. Even in those early days (although probably without consciously understanding it) I had a very strong sense of commitment to Klal Yisrael and to be honest (in a vain kind of way ) I’m proud of that.
The following is a revamped and updated version of one of those papers. I suppose it’s the best advice I have to offer the Christian blogger or anyone else who is considering conversion. However please keep in mind that I am by no means an expert, SO READER BEWARE!!!
Anyhow I hope it’s of value.
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Joining The Tribe
Conversion to Judaism is something unique, interesting, and most
enigmatic to the average non-Jew. I actually feel that the term
conversion is misleading and over the last few years, have come to
think of it less as conversion and more as Joining the Tribe.
Conversion in other religious traditions is much more about personal
choice, for example, from a Christian point of view it’s about wanting
to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, or in Buddhism it is
a commitment to follow the teachings of the Buddha, and is more of a
personal decision that one can do independent of others, should they
choose to.
Having said that I’m sure that there are those who would disagree,
but it’s been my experience (understanding) at least with most religions the conversion process is about personal salvation or emancipation, and anything else is a distant second to the primary reason.
Judaism is different from most others in this regard, for example
where Christianity claims that salvation is only available through
Jesus Christ, Judaism goes out of its way to make it clear that you
don’t need to be Jewish to be a good or righteous person, nor is
Judaism a prerequisite to God or Heaven.
Becoming a Jew is about recognizing God and Torah but requires more
than just these two ingredients, it’s about joining a family, it’s
about joining a tribe, it’s about joining a peoplehood.
The truth of it is that from a Jewish perspective (at least as I understand
it) one can accept God and live a righteous life through the Torah with
no need of becoming a Jew or joining the tribe.
So accepting God and Torah can lead to righteous living, but does not necessarily equal becoming a Jew.
As I see it, what makes a person a potential Jew is an overwhelming
desire to join the tribe and become part of the family and in doing so
learning to live in this world as a Jew. This joining of the tribe is
very much like immigrating to a new land, both literally and
spiritually and requires more than just a desire. It requires that a
convert not only learn and study, but also demonstrate that he or she
is able to live life in a Jewish fashion.
If one’s motivations for exploring Judaism are purely spiritual and
about one’s personal relationship with God, you might find that
conversion is not required, and in fact may not even be a good idea.
I know that this notion of spiritual motivation being separate from
the issue of conversion is difficult and one that I had a hard time
with initially. Actually I think it’s something many people who are
coming to this conversion process as single independent adults have a
hard time with.
The idea of peoplehood as being part of a spiritual tradition is
very different for most Westerners and so many of us come to the
conversion process with ideas that may be incomplete, or not
necessarily the best fit with becoming a Jew. I am not suggesting that
people shouldn’t seek to convert but rather that there may be some
difficult issues, which will need to be worked through. I can say that
this has certainly been the case with me.
From a personal perspective, I now see how I came to this process
with my spiritual agenda being placed before the idea of Peoplehood and that just doesn’t work. I’ve noticed others similar to myself, who
early on in the conversion process, struggled with how to express their
own sense of Jewishness or how to get Judaism to align itself with
their own view of what it should and should not be. It may sound
ridiculous reading it here, but trust me it does happen, and I myself
have engaged in such thinking and behaviors.
Looking back, I see that it’s really a ridiculous and futile thing
to attempt. For example can you imagine moving to a country like
Canada, but trying to pick and choose which cultural aspects and laws
you will live by, and also expect the natives to abide by the same
ideas.
Of course there is room for diversity, but when you move to Canada
there’s an expectation that you will blend into the culture as well as
respect and abide by its laws. I see converting to Judaism as being
similar in that it is a living cultural entity, one that has existed to
its credit, without a homeland for most of the last 3000 years. Judaism
is so much more than a religion; it is a phenomenal nation of people
both inside and outside of Israel. At its best, Judaism has been one
of the most positive and powerful influences on Western culture and
despite its hardships, has outlasted every other western civilized
nation. Again this is no small feat considering much of this time the
Jews were wandering without a home and often under threat of
destruction.
Although I think it’s understandable that many who come to the
conversion process, do so out of a questioning desire to get straight
with God or in seeking some sort of sustenance from the peoplehood. However an equally if not more important question is “what do I have to offer to the Tribe?”. This is an extremely important, but often overlooked
(by those seeking to convert) aspect of conversion and is in my opinion
and essential part of the process. It’s important because the questioning desire to get straight with God or to extract sustenance from the peoplehood on a spiritual level does not require membership. In fact in many ways Life as a non-jew is much easier because there’s less responsibility and expectation placed on non-Jews by the Peoplehood.
Really in many ways becoming a Jew means full responsibility and
participation and that has an upside. Like this phenomenal sense of
kinship I’ve never seen anywhere else, but it also has its downside. It
means taking on the responsibility of acting appropriately in the world
as a Jew, not only in the eyes of God, but in the eyes of your
respective community. It also means excepting the burdens of being part of the tribe, including anti-Semitism and the soft prejudices that go
on every day. You may be thinking not in modern-day North America but
trust me, these things do happen.
There’s no way to be a Jew and take on only the spiritual blessings
of the Jewish life without also taking on many of the problems and
baggage associated with being part of the peoplehood. So it is
important to move past thinking only about what you can get from it but
also, to give as much (if not more) thought to how you will be able to handle this other side of things. People will treat you different, often times this difference will be respectful and positive, but not always.
Coming back to the idea of contribution, looking at it with the
above information in mind, can you see why it’s important to think
about what you have to contribute? Can you see why it’s important that
the Jews also see it?
Ultimately conversion is not only a decision on the part of a
candidate, but is also something that must be affirmed by the community of Jews who the candidate is studying with. You see it’s about becoming family, and it’s not just about what the candidate gets out of Judaism, it is equally important that everyone (ie: Jewish community) think about and understand, what it is that this potential convert can bring to the peoplehood.
For better or for worse, as people seeking to convert and join the
tribe we really need to be super Jews in many ways. At first I was
uncomfortable with this thought and actually found it to be
discriminatory, but the more I study and deepen my understanding, the
more I accept this, as being the way it should be.
Assimilation of Jews into non-Jewish culture and society is an
ongoing issue, and something that could well impact, Judaism’s ability
to survive as a peoplehood. Because of this it makes no sense to except
people into the tribe who are not going to strengthen it both
culturally and spiritually, affirming its traditions and infusing it
with fresh energy.
Again I’m looking at this from the point of view of a single
adult who is seeking to convert. I think things would be different for those who are in intermarriage and are converting to Judaism, but this is not what I’m looking at with this essay.
So for those who are like us, single and with our lives ahead of us a community has to look at the long term (as do we).
- As a potential convert are you prepared to raise any future children
in a Jewish home? Are you prepared to marry a Jewish spouse, and if married to a non-Jew ask him or her to convert and live life Jewishly? - Are you ready to put the Jewish traditions and cultures ahead of those from your own upbringing?
- Are you prepared to deal with what that means in terms of your family and friends?
- What about Israel, do you understand the significance of Israel and are you ready to support it?
- When you run into situations that are uncomfortable from a Jewish
perspective are you going to hide being Jewish or are you willing to
assert yourself respectfully but in a way that defends the tribe?
These are not profiling questions, but they are important ones that I feel every potential convert must be able to answer, for him or herself. Because doing so will help ensure long-term success in living life as a Jew. They are questions to be considered for our own interest as well is that of the tribe and if we aren’t prepared or are unable to answer these questions than in my opinion, we are not ready to become Jews.
Becoming a Jew is not something you can do alone nor is living life as
a Jew. This makes conversion into Judaism different than any other form of religious conversion.
So I suppose, in conclusion, it’s likely that what brought us to
Judaism as a person interested in conversion is not going to be enough
on its own to make us a good Jew or even accepted into the tribe.
I came to Judaism, trying to figure out what it could do for me but after having converted, I am now much more concerned with what I bring to it and how to best participate and contribute to the tribe.
Anyhow for what it’s worth this is my advice to anyone thinking of converting.
Until next time be well!
I’m hoping to write...
1) http://www .jewber...
I’ll just add in my two cents….
Certainly conversion is a long process. Where someone starts is not where they end; we study with rabbis in order to work through many things about what it means to be a Jew. And in the end who really knows what it means to be a Jew until they are a Jew? That’s one of the things I laughed about afterwards with Rabbi, me walking into his office telling him I wanted to be a Jew when I had no clue what that really meant!
I hold a bit different opinion on someone who is mostly, or even totally, interested in the religious part of Judaism finding it easier to not convert. (Some never have the opportunity to interact with Jews so they just don’t know anything about the people part of the equation.) One of the lessons of Noach is that it is too hard to live a righteous life alone. Someone who doesn’t know any Jews but is really attracted to our religion should consider converting. Judaism provides a beautiful way of connecting to God and to each other. It’s a wonderful thing to live out a religious life within a community; it’s a tough thing to try to live a religious life alone. From God’s point of view there is no need for a person to be Jewish, but from a human point of view there is a very real need to belong, to matter, to count.
Now I’m not saying that you said such people should not convert, I’m just saying I would temper any discouragement of such a person. Yes, living a religious life as a Jew can be tough, we life a very different life, but we don’t live it alone. Living the religion helps tie us to the people. It’s almost kind of fun fasting together on Yom Kippur and going without leaven during Pesach; there’s a camaraderie. Someone who lives by just seven laws but lives them alone has the harder path, in my opinion. It’s not one I recommend to anyone.
I spoke to a Jew in person for the first time the day I walked into my shul for the first time. It was almost two years before I converted but I during that time I found my way, with the help of my rabbi and community, starting from a more personal view of religion and expanding from there to become a part of a people, part of a religious community.
Hi Avi,
You wrote:
“I’ve noticed others similar to myself, who early on in the conversion process, struggled with how to express their own sense of Jewishness or how to get Judaism to align itself with their own view of what it should and should not be.”
I think this happens a lot with people coming out of Christianity. There are lots of them who want to be able to hang on to Jesus as Messiah, and I have talked to some who have gotten quite angry that they are not allowed to do this and complete a conversion. It is interesting that in Western liberal culture people feel they should be able to take anything from any tradition they want, whatever makes them feel good.
But as you said, becoming a Jew is joining the Jewish people. While I agree with Yael that it is much more meaningful to practice with a community, the clear fact remains that Judaism believes it is not necessary to be a Jew, and therefore Judaism owes a place to no one, no matter how sincere they are. It is not enough to like Judaism and want to practice it. There has to be a sincere determination to BE a Jew, paired with an acceptance of this determination from the Jewish people. Becoming a Jew is closer to converting to being Italian or Kenyan than it is to converting to Christianity or Islam. It IS becoming part of a people, and this has to be done on THEIR terms, not the convert’s.
kol tuv,
Yair
Thanks for sharing this essay. I’ve been struggling myself to understand the difference you *very* clearly outline:
“So accepting God and Torah can lead to righteous living, but does not necessarily equal becoming a Jew… what makes a person a potential Jew is an overwhelming desire to join the tribe and become part of the family and in doing so learning to live in this world as a Jew.”
That amply details my head-knowledge (not yet my heart knowledge) of the difference. I remember once reading that one should not become a Jew save for an overwhelming love of the Jewish people.
You wrote: “Becoming a Jew is not something you can do alone nor is living life as a Jew. This makes conversion into Judaism different than any other form of religious conversion.” I would say there are other tribal faiths out there. And some that claim not to be tribal are in fact. My experience in Eastern Orthodoxy was exactly the discovery that one can not EO alone (many EO websites, books, etc will also offer this). But this is America and we go it alone, here. This creates a cognitive dissonance for EO Americans. (I wonder if it’s the same for Jewish Americans?) I think the issue is that we tend to make religion to be about “spirit” and not about “life”. Life also can not be lived alone. Hence the problem. Yael wrote “From God’s point of view there is no need for a person to be Jewish, but from a human point of view there is a very real need to belong, to matter, to count.”
Bingo!
Thanks again for sharing the essay.
Hi Yael
First off thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed and reflective comment to this post. I would say that you and I are more or less in agreement, however I would like to clarify a couple of points.
The first being that, in all honesty I don’t feel my post aims to discourage potential converts. I realize you aren’t specifically referring to me with your comments, however just to be clear.
I suppose what I was trying to drive home with this post (and likely working through when it was originally written) is that wanting to get straight with G-D is not in my opinion enough. It may certainly be the best place to start for many people but as I see it, is just one part of the process. I think it’s important that those drawn to Judaism because of a desire to connect to G-D must be balanced out to also include an appreciation for the peoplehood aspect of Jewish life. More importantly that conversion to Judaism is not merely about knowledge and understanding or even personal practice. It’s also about participation in community, which includes being accepted by that community.
In terms of isolation/community with regard to practice I hear what you’re saying and I agree that it is important. However I disagree with any assumption that taking on a Jewish understanding of G-D (whatever that means!) without conversion somehow (necessarily) implies a life of loneliness. I for one believe that people can live full lives based on Jewish insights without ever converting. Not everyone wants to give up ” Christmas trees” or ” Beacon” even if they love studying Talmud and in my opinion that’s perfectly fine. A Torah based spirituality in my opinion is not dependent upon necessarily entering the covenant. In fact I know someone in Colorado who was pursuing a conversion but decided to just abide by those six laws instead because of his family situation. I’m not suggesting that’s the best solution for everyone but apparently he felt it was for him becuse he already had community in his life.
Anyhow all of this is to say, that although I agree with you about belonging to a community as being extremely important to most people. An important part of the conversion process needs to be asking the question (at least to my mind’s eye) what kind of community should one belong to and as what kind of participant/member? I suppose it just boils down to my believe that these two questions should indeed be considered essential parts of the conversion process.
Yair
Yet again you and to be on the same page on the issue!
Now I have a question for you. Why do you think (as you put it) so many potential converts from a Christian background have such a difficult time letting go of Jesus? To be honest I had never heard of this until you mentioned it and I have a hard time understanding it. I mean if you want to accept Christ why not just be a Christian? If you want to be more Torah observant and accept Christ why not become a Seventh-day Adventist or or something similar?
Just curious.
Huw
I’m glad that the post was at least interesting if not helpful and am even happier that you decided to share your thoughts with us here on the blog.
I love and totally agree with your comment “that one should not become a Jew save for an overwhelming love of the Jewish people” because it’s how I feel and more importantly it captures the main point behind this post.
As for your comment regarding other ” tribe/tribal” faiths I suppose you’re right there are others outside of Judaism. However I’m not sure that any are quite the same as Judaism. I mean name another one where immigration to a land/country in the 21st century requires a religious conversion? As I see it Judaism truly is an evolving “religious” civilization that is unique in so many respects. That’s not to suggest that it is necessarily better simply that I have yet to see anything else that actually seems to function the same way as a culture/nation/religion.
But of course I could be wrong and I’m sure someone will let me know if I am.
Thanks again to everyone for sharing such interesting comments.
Hey Avi,
I think that the deal with these Christians is that some recognize the nearly complete lack of congruence between the Hebrew Bible and the New Testament, especially when the former is read in Hebrew and not in some evangelical translation (in terms of the trinity doctrine, etc…)
But since the NT is hafted on to our Bible, I think that often what provides a stronger push toward Judaism is a realization that the Hebrew Bible is written to JEWS, by JEWS, about JEWS, and our relationship to G-d, and if Christianity gets legitimacy from our Bible, some feel they have to live by our rules too. We’ve never understood this to be the case, but some of them do. Plus, let’s face it, we have a beautiful tradition, and it is the one Jesus actually lived in.
The problem for them comes in 1) not being able to let go of Jesus because church doctrine insists G-d will be ticked if you do, 2) not realizing that even “loving the Jewish people” isn’t enough; you have to want to BE A JEW, WITH JEWS, which means adopting a Jewish worldview that does not include Jesus as Messiah, sin offering, whatever, and 3) not understanding the difference between wanting to “be” something, and having the people you are trying to “be” actually agree to take you along for the ride.
This is why you end up with non-Jewish Christians doing things like “Passover Seders” with christological spin added, even (no kidding, I’ve seen it) wearing tzitzit.
Anyway, just my two shekelim…
Yair
Now I have a question for you. Why do you think (as you put it) so many potential converts from a Christian background have such a difficult time letting go of Jesus? To be honest I had never heard of this until you mentioned it and I have a hard time understanding it. I mean if you want to accept Christ why not just be a Christian? If you want to be more Torah observant and accept Christ why not become a Seventh-day Adventist or or something similar?
You didn’t ask the question of me, but I’m going to try to answer anyway!! I came from a fundie background so this is something I had some anxiety over even though I never had any great affection for Jesus.
All my life I had it beat into my head that if you don’t accept Jesus you’ll fry in hell for eternity. Even though I rejected this belief it’s still a tough thing to let go of completely because deep inside a person wonders, “What if I’m wrong? I have kids. What if I’m wrong?” I didn’t think I was, but this just wasn’t something I could easily just push aside with a casual, whatever. Yet I was so drawn to Judaism. That’s why I spent four months with the messianics, I thought I could have it all. But, after time with them, after beginning to study Jewish views on my own, I was able to walk away from the whole Jesus thing without any further anxiety. It was a process though, almost a year long of going back and forth. One of my friends struggled for four years. Jesus is a powerful image for many people, but Judaism also has a strong pull. It’s a tough place to be.
That’s why I like the story of us being required to kill a lamb, the lamb god of the Egyptians, and put the blood on our doorposts, a very visible symbol that we no longer worship these Egyptian gods, we no longer fear what they might do to us. It is a very freeing thing to be done with a former god once and for all. But, it’s not easy.
Thanks for adding your thoughts to my comment. Sometimes it is tough with blogging because we might want to just add more emphasis somewhere but then end up coming off as disagreeing or missing people’s points. I totally agree Conversion is two pronged, at least, maybe more, both religion and people. Both have to be in place and that is part of the whole process of conversion, making sure there is a connection on both fronts. I just wanted to emphasize that someone considering conversion because of a love for the religion should not think this isn’t enough to begin. Yes, in the end it isn’t enough, but at the beginning? Who knows? Time will tell if the connection to people can be developed. We all have to start somewhere.
I am very big on the value of religious communities. What that constitutes for any one person is probably undefinable. I still think the best place for a person to live a Jewish life is within a Jewish community, as a member of that community. If someone decides that path is not for them, however, far be it from to tell them they’re wrong. Different strokes for different folks. In Judaism it is ever the one hand pulling in, the other hand pushing away when it comes to conversion. Today I am pulling in a bit, tomorrow I might be pushing away a bit!
Avi -
Thank *you* for having such a forum. I don’t know if JBC.org was supposed to be for people like me - just looking and wondering - but I’m glad there is a resource here! The conversation is very helpful - and the post allowed me to pool some thoughts (in the midst of my otherwise scattered thinking). I don’t think “Crisis of Faith” is quite right, btw… maybe “rechecking a still-open door.”
You are very right about this: I can’t really “name another one where immigration to a land/country in the 21st century requires a religious conversion.” Many of the Ancient Faiths (Hinduism & Zoroastrianism for example) are so tribal as to deny any real conversion is possible. (There are minorities in each tradition that allow conversion.) Yet there are a lot of places in non-triabl faiths where “tribal mind” come into play: Some Muslim communities and Christian communities are good examples. My point was that Judaism is not alone in her tribalism. And that such tribalism is a good antidote to a lot of our cultural issues of Individualism, such as we have in the USA. This comes up in the book “Gonzo Judaism”.
“As I see it Judaism truly is an evolving “religious” civilization that is unique in so many respects. ” I think the best part is the evolving. Other tribal faiths are not - to a large extent they are not living, only fossilised. Judaism is a living community, ergo evolving. And in the evolving places on her fringe, Christianity has ceased to be tribal at all and has become very individualistic. “Jesus and Me and to heck with thee”, as the saying goes.
Yael -
I had my stint hovering around Messianics about 5 years ago. I enjoyed some of their points but I couldn’t make much sense out of them. I learned a good deal from those (mostly from ORU) who point out the Judaism of the NT writings. But… somethings just didn’t make sense. And I could never figure out how “we got it right” if they hadn’t existed for most of the last 2000 years. How did everyone else - from Paul, on - get wrong? So, that didn’t work.
“After beginning to study Jewish views on my own…” I’m currently reading “Why the Jews Rejected Jesus”, by David Klinghoffer. Now I’m *beginning* to get an idea of how Jews view all those texts that “so clearly” were prophecies. It’s rather enjoyable (once you get over the writer’s seeming political bias…) Yet one gets it into one’s head that even seeing the full context of those prophecies is somehow traitorous or even blasphemous. So much work done, that reading the scriptures one way must “obviously” be the right way. Right? Still, it’s very educational!
Huw
Sorry for the delay (if anyone cares) in responding to your comments, I just got sidetracked.
Yair
Thanks for clarifying the bit about Christians but I still have a hard time understanding why anybody who accepts Christ would want to be a Jew. I mean I know you’ve explained it here but I just can’t get my head around it. Anyhow thanks for the elaboration.
Yael
Wow I had no idea that you had participated in a Jews for Jesus (type of) community. Again all I can say is I really don’t get the attachment to Jesus and I’m saying this is someone who was raised Roman Catholic. I mean I knew at 11 years old while attending Catholic school that there was no connection there for me. In fact so much so that I opted out of the sacrament of confirmation. Sure I still attended Catholic schools through both middle and high as well as attended church when it was required through my schooling. But I certainly ceased being a Catholic/Christian (at least psychologically speaking) at the age of 11. The only sad part of that decision is far as I’m concerned, is that I through G-D out at the same time as Jesus. I suppose it was a situation of the baby with the bath water. You know Jesus is G-D therefore when Jesus went G-D also went. Anyhow, all of that is to say, I just don’t get how people are so attached to Christ. Usually I am pretty good at taking another person’s perspective but not in this case. Nope, not at all.
Also you’re right about conversion being at least a two-pronged process. I may be speaking from my own personal bias (which includes most of the community of converts I studied with) the personal relationship to G-D part was not a problem. However the connecting to Judaism as a tribe, community and peoplehood was a great difficulty for most of us. In fact one young woman dropped out of the conversion program (or maybe the rabbi refused to converter I don’t know) because of an inability to connect with the peoplehood aspect and the expectations such a thing implies.
Huw
I’m glad that you are finding value in participating on our blog and for the record I don’t really know that this blog wasn’t in fact intended for people like you. By the way what does it mean when you say *you*?
Also thank you for expanding upon your tribalism point I think I have a better idea of which were getting at now.
One last thing, I hope you stick around and participate.
Well, you said “thank you for your post” and I said “thank *you* for having a place for me to post.” Returning thanks and putting the emphasis on the “you”. It’s the way I talk, eh?
I’m still wrestling with the Jesus thing, myself. My answer to the question (not directed at me): “why anybody who accepts Christ would want to be a Jew. ” Well, as one gets into Christianity, especially I think the more traditional forms (Eastern sorts, or Tridentine RC) the thing that holds me is the Judaism of them: the things we held on to (though few and far between) that are, in essence, Jewish, albeit deeply buried under layers of other traditions. For example any devout Jew, visiting an Orthodox Church on Easter (which we call “Pascha”) would instantly see things that reminded him or her of Pesach. It would nearly jump up and shout. Other things would not be Jewish, of course - very Gentile. And for me, it’s those Jewish things that held me - especially when I was having / am having hard times. I can trace them through my entire journey as a Christian. As to the Jewish side of the equation, I wrote a really long post about the things and people in my life that are Jewish or have been Jewish. If you will a sort of “social Judaism” has often been part of my life.
Hi Avi,
Yes, I spent four months with a J4Jesus group, two months thinking it was kind of fun and two months thinking it was really stupid. When they outlined their big plan for evangelizing the local Jewish community I walked out and never returned, determined to find out about becoming a Jew for real instead of playing around with Jewish stuff. A few months later my mother died, a few months after that I started going to shul, and just over a year after I walked out of the J4J place I talked with Rabbi for the first time about conversion.
I’m not proud of my time with the J4J group, but I made no attempt to hide my involvement. It was a step in the path of moving from what I was to what I am today, nothing more, nothing less. It’s kind of embarrassing though that it took me two months to see through them and then two more months to finally leave….Oh well, I guess it served its purpose in bringing to my awareness a Jewish community I never knew existed.
Let me see if I can clarify about the Jesus thing. It’s not that I had any attachment to Jesus, I wouldn’t want anyone thinking that at all! Like you, I knew Christianity wasn’t for me when I was very young. It’s just that there’s a big difference between “I don’t believe in Jesus” to “I deny any belief in Jesus”. My whole upbringing was very church oriented. My father is a minister, my brother a deacon, one sister was a missionary. My mother and I were best pals, even when I spent years overseas far from her we used to chat on the phone often and send lots of letters. That was the only life I knew. Even though most of that life was spent not going along with their beliefs I at least wasn’t denying them completely.
I was living on the other side of the world, out on an island in the Indian Ocean, when I read Paul Johnson’s “A History of the Jews” and realized that there must be a God and I wanted to relate to this God. So, I went to church. What else did I know? I spent a few more years disillusioned with it all, but trying. I even went to an evangelical seminary for a year, but left as soon as we were to study the NT.
It was never about an attachment to Jesus, it was about family and culture. To deny Jesus was to lose all that I knew. I decided to pursue conversion just a few months prior to my mother’s death, but I never told anyone. When my mother died I thought I couldn’t convert out of respect for her memory, but there was no way. It was a bad scene in the family when I refused to come back to the ‘right way’.
I always thought when my father died maybe my siblings and I could reconcile, but then one of my sisters died and that dream ended as well. One sister and I have started building a relationship again, but it’s still in the fragile stage, she was the missionary. I haven’t seen my father nor my other siblings since my sister’s funeral almost two years ago. They live between us and Yair, not that far away, yet they might as well be worlds away.
I felt sick to my stomach the night I realized I was never going to believe in Christianity again. But, I took all my Christian bibles, all my books, tapes, papers and threw them in a dumpster. I was done and it was a relief. Walking away cost me everything but my kids. My family was gone, the culture I knew wasn’t mine anymore. When I was feeling incredibly vulnerable from just this, my garage was broken into and my vehicle vandalized on Christmas day, a hate crime against Jews the police said, only I’d never even gone to shul yet much less converted. After that I started going to shul and moved into a Jewish community where I felt much safer.
I have gained much more than I lost, gained many times over what I lost. But, it was a tough journey, and when I see others hesitate to take such a journey, I can understand their hesitation. It was worth it, there’s no doubt about it, and we made it through just fine. The kids and I have a great life, a great community; we can’t imagine living any other life. There is still always a certain sadness just below the surface though. I’m hopeful that this start I’m making with one sister will eventually extend to my three other remaining siblings, but it will never be like it was before Mom and our sister died. I left them for a new life. They’ll never understand. Denial of Jesus was the deal breaker. And if I haven’t bored you with my story already, I have more of it on a blog dedicated to this topic: Lekh Lekha.
Avi,
This is incredibly insightful. Those “tests” you present are spot on.
“…situations that are uncomfortable from a Jewish perspective are you going to hide being Jewish or are you willing to assert yourself respectfully but in a way that defends the tribe?”
That’s one of the hardest things, isn’t it? At the pre-conversion stage, it’s still academic. You can always distance yourself or let your silence imply that you are part of the main stream, can’t you? You still have a safe exit. But if it’s personal and you are invested, well, then…
I also like the bullet about putting new Jewish traditions ahead of the old, and coping with the consequences that decision poses for family and friends. That’s not easy. Why would any sane person risk what they have by making waves with the ones about whom they care most?
Finally, your general theme about conversion being something for the head, heart, and soul? I’ve been trying to find out what it is that has been vexing me lately and I think you’ve articulated the matter with real precision. It does have to fit like family. For me, it’s still something I’m choosing (almost like a consumer) because I like what I see, read and hear.
But is it me?
Time will tell. My approach has been to look at religion like it is any other durable good or service for consumption. That’s probably the wrong lens through which to view things spiritual. No wonder I get headaches, I’m completely out of focus!
Excellent post,
-Z