JewsByChoice.Org

This post was initially intended to be a comment to Avi’s last post (”How I Stopped Being a Jew…”) and a response to Avi’s and Yael’s comments. Because I couldn’t stop my thoughts , I’ve opted to make it my own post. Enjoy, I hope it has meaning for others and makes sense.

“As a woman I will never run into this kind of situation, but I find things even worse for me in many ways.” (Yael)

As a Jew by birth who was raised reform; I agree with you (Yael) though I do see it a little differently. I too believe in the equality of women in Judaism or at least the choice to have equal access (if you will) to men. However, I don’t see what one person struggles with as more or less challenging than the other. What a man or woman struggles with, in my opinion, should not be compared to in a greater than or lesser than way. All our struggles are valid and so much history and experience front loads how we deal and react in different situations that, for me, it’s important I do my best to sincerely try to understand what a person might be struggling with. Believe me being married to a Jew by Choice means I am often reminded to see things from an entirely new and different perspective.

For example, I struggle with many of the traditional things that women partake in within a conservative congregation. Perhaps struggle isn’t the right word choice. I choose not to wear my talit. I have a pink and gold one that my great grandmother gave me for my bat mitzvah. I treasure it, but I won’t wear it. I also have no interest in wrapping tefillin or wearing a kippah. That is not to say others who choose this way to observe are wrong. It simply means that I choose not to. And, even though I believe women are equal, there is this little traditional part inside of me that likes having certain Jewish rituals different than men. That doesn’t make me less than, though in some ways it makes me feel unique and like there is something different and important for me. Take Shabbat candles, I love to light them. I believe it is something women should do; of course I don’t think men shouldn’t do it; but I’m glad it’s something special to women for the most part.

I think it’s important that women’s choices regarding these things are respected; even if the woman is like me and CHOOSES not to partake in these rituals. As far as being called to the Torah to make an aliyah, I’m fine with that for me and look forward to it when I go to the chuppah. I know, weird.

As a Jew by birth, I don’t struggle in the same way with some of Chabad’s style, though I know my husband does. And this has to come into my radar when interracting with the community. Like Avi said, this was the community I truly connected with when I relocated back to L.A. I didn’t connect to the davening and ritual as much as the community. This isn’t a black hat community and it is as diverse a Jewish community that I think I’ll ever find. We have black and white, gay and straight, French and Israeli, you name it. Heck, once for our community Shabbat dinner I even sat next to a Jewish Atheist! It hadn’t occurred to me before I met Avi that attending Chabad once we were married would be an issue because he is a Jew by Choice. However, I discovered that those who are truly Chabad followers didn’t count him as a minyan which also means they don’t agree with our marriage. In other words, if they don’t count him as a Jew, then they would have issues with me (a Jew) marrying him. Sad isn’t it?

And so, back to what Avi had written about. Sorry if I went off on my own thing. Avi wasn’t upset when we left Chabad on Shabbos. We actually walked back to the rabbi’s house to say hi to his wife, whom I do consider a friend, regardless of differing opinions on most things Jewishly speaking. We only stayed for ten minutes and then continued our walk home. We talked about the day on the walk and frankly, I don’t have an interest in davening at my Chabad either. There were perhaps a dozen or so men when we arrived, a few left early which is why the minyan head count happened. And of all those men, there were two woman, myself included. For Avi and I, this isn’t where we would want our children to go. We want families and children. That is not to say that the social events at my Chabad aren’t great. They are. And I think it is safe to say that Avi does enjoy the people who go there and the social aspect. As a matter of fact, we’ve been able to carry some of our shul friendships over into our personal lives so that we still interract with wonderful serious Jews, but not within the atmosphere of exclusion.

For us, this is what is most important. Community.