How I Stopped Being a Jew for 49 Minutes this Shabbos
First off, I hope that everyone had an enjoyable Shabbos. Mine was quite busy and for the most part very pleasant. Second, sorry for the length of this post because its a bit of a rant!
This week Tamara and I decided to keep things local, so instead of heading off to VBS (which is a 20 to 40 Minute drive away depending on the traffic) we opted to attend morning services and Torah study at Knesset Israel which is roughly a 20 minute walk from our place. I’m far from being Shomer Shabbos but I must admit that I really do prefer walking to shul over driving. We (Tamara and I) have decided to set the Conservative halachick standard as our own or at least that’s what we are striving for. Therefore it is of course permissible for us to drive to and from shul on Shabbos, but I can’t help feeling like I’m putting Shabbos on hold every time I step into the car on Saturday mornings and it just doesn’t feel quite right, so it’s nice every once in a while to get the chance to walk.
Woh, I’m getting a little off-track here so let me try to get back on topic.
We attended morning services at Knesset Israel and stayed for Kiddush but decided not to stick around for Torah study because the Rabbi was away and the Cantor (who I’m not all that into) was going to be leading the study session. Yankel had (earlier in the week) suggested we stop by the Chabad where he davens for Kiddush on our way home from Shul and seeing how we weren’t going to be staying for Torah study at Knesset Israel we decided to drop by and say hi to him and the rest of the Chabadniks.
Incidentally Yankel’s Chabad is also the community that Tamara belonged to before she met me so she’s always happy to visit her old friends there. I say used to because the fact that I’m a non-Orthodox Jew by choice makes Chabad and me a less than ideal fit and so Tamara and I made a decision last year to keep our participation at Chabad to a minimum and instead find a community that would be a better fit for us as a couple.
I’m a Jew by choice who converted into a non-Orthodox community and I understand the sociopolitical ramifications of such a conversion. In fact, the deeper into Judaism I dive the more I’m able to understand why orthodoxy, (not will not, but) cannot accept my conversion as halachickly valid and although I am not always happy about it, I am largely okay with it at least in the religious arena. Don’t get me wrong I don’t agree with some of the sabotaging and politicking (at the hands of the Orthodox) that takes place around the status of converts in Israel and even on occasion in North America. But I do understand their concerns over fidelity to Halacha and I can even accept not being counted as part of a minyan inside of an Orthodox shul but that doesn’t mean it’s a situation I want (or should) expose myself to on a regular basis.
Oops, I’m a little off track again sorry!
Anyhow by the time we walked over to Chabad they had finish services and were enjoying a tasty Kiddush. Tamara disappeared into the kitchen; I grabbed a seat at the table with the Rabbi and the rest of the “boys”. One thing I’ll give Chabad (or at least this one center) is that they are such a warm and welcoming bunch. The Rabbi has never been anything but kind towards me. In fact I know that he likes me and speaks well of me to others (so say both Yankel and Tamara) and I believe he sees me as an honest and passionate person committed to Judaism. I also believe that he truly seeks ways to connect with me and goes out of his way to invite me to events. He even in his own way tries to meet me on my ground by mentioning things like VBS and theologians I admire. Yet despite all of this and the fact that (in some ways) I do feel right at home, there is always an underlying sense of edginess in the air, at least for me. And usually (unfortunately), it’s not too long before some sort of situation pops up which if not publicly, internally highlights how mismatched I am to the Chabad world.
This time it was about 40 minutes into our visit when Mr. D (a Modern Orthodox friend of Tamara’s who happens to attend this Chabad shul regularly) called “five minutes to Mincha (afternoon prayer service)” at which point I decided it was time to begin exiting. The Kiddush crowd was light and head counting to see if there was enough to make minyan (quorum of 10) was surely about to begin and I wanted to avoid an uncomfortable situation. With a name like “Avi” and my level of observance, most of the people there have no idea that I’m a non-Orthodox convert (a.k.a. not a “real” Jew). However, the Rabbi knows enough not to consider me a “halachick” Jew and so I really didn’t want to have to deal with the whole “we can’t count him” thing. When Yankel said “why don’t you stay” I of course replied “not a good idea” and started to get ready to leave.
In situations like this one I’m caught walking a tight rope. Basically because as I’ve already mentioned I want to (whenever possible) respect Orthodox standards including religious ones, especially while I’m in one of their shuls. But at the same time I don’t want to shortchange my own sense of being a legitimate Jew, so that’s why (as a rule of thumb) I try to only attend social events (and not religious ones) at Chabad or other Orthodox communities. By doing this I feel like I can participate in what they’re doing without crossing any lines, either their’s or my own.
Anyhow, unfortunately head counting started before I could get out and lucky me was counted as #3 Jew in the minyan. I quickly but calmly stated that I had to go in wouldn’t be able to stay for Mincha. Yankel was standing right beside me and I think that for the first time he got a real sense of how awkward it can be for a non-Orthodox Jew by choice in such situations, because Yankel quickly parroted me saying “no no, he’s got to get going he won’t be able to stay”. Both of us opted to more or less lie about my status as a Jew by skirting around my lack of halachick credentials and instead flashed a lame excuse. It wasn’t pleasant but I’ve been through this type of situation enough to no longer be upset or maddened by it. However, Yankel seemed visibly (maybe not upset but) bothered by this situation, at least enough to follow me outside and make sure everything was okay.
In all honesty it was okay and I wasn’t upset but the incident definitely highlighted a couple of important points. First it reminded me (yet again) that no matter how comfortable I might ever feel at a Chabad shul and no matter how kind or welcoming the Rabbi is, I don’t count as a Jew, at least not religiously and that’s the bottom line.
The second and more important point I learned yesterday, is that for me stepping into a community where I functionally cease to be seen as a Jew on Shabbos, is no different than stepping into a car. Being at that Chabad shul for Kiddush yesterday with the ensuing “headcount” incident completely disrupted my sense of Sacred (Shabbat) Time and that’s something unfortunate. It didn’t ruin my day or anything but it was no different than when I get into a car on a Saturday morning to drive out to VBS. It felt as though Shabbos had stopped while I was in that shul only to begin again once I left. Sure one could argue (and today Yankel did) that I’m giving too much power to Chabad but (right or wrong) I believe that a Jew can only truly be a Jew in relation to other Jews and yesterday while at Chabad, in an important way, I was not a Jew.
I’m not mad at the Rabbi or Chabad because I understand their perspective but at the same time, that doesn’t mean I need (or should) participate in a place that interferes with my own sacred sense of Shabbat observance, Jewishness or Klal Yisrael. I guess the two lessons learned are, do my best to stay out of cars on Shabbos and participate in communities which will include and value me for the Jew That I AM as well as the Jew I may some day become.
Until next time be well.
NOTE: Somehow Yael’s original post was incorrectly tagged as spam and then accidentally deleted. Unfortunately I’m not sure how or why this happened but my apologies to Yael!
Fortunately I was able to recover an e-mail notification I received with a copy of her comments and I’m going to be posting them directly below and following that is my reply to her original post.
Again my apologies.
Yael Said:
As a woman I will never run into this kind of situation, but I find things even worse for me in many ways. Even if my conversion were done according to ‘their’ standards, I still could not be myself in their community because of their dismissal of women.
I am a liberal, religious Jewish woman. I put on tefillin every day tefillin are required to be worn, I daven three times per day, I am a regular at morning minyan, I lead services, and am quite active at shul. But to Chabad and Orthodoxy I am nothing more than perhaps a pathetic woman trying to act like a man.
It really bothers me to know that men at my shul will go daven Orthodox knowing full well that women such as myself are excluded in these settings. I have to wonder if they wouldn’t prefer me to be excluded in ours as well.
Daniel and I have had this discussion elsewhere, but I will repeat it here since you wouldn’t know of it. For me it wouldn’t even be of value to daven Orthodox. The shliach tzibur is to be a representative of the people davening. Therefore any shliach tzibur who excludes women, gays or lesbians does not represent me and is not a valid shliach tzibur for me. I would have to daven alone anyway so what would be the point of going?
I will never daven in an Orthodox setting, never daven behind any mechitza, as you may have gathered from my blog title! There are just some places I don’t belong.
Well, I guess the good thing about being a woman is they could never ruin my Shabbas by not counting me in minyan! I’m sorry you had to go through what you did, but for all of us liberal, religious Jewish women, now you know how we feel. It sucks being excluded from who you really are.
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My (Avi’s) Response
Hi Yael
Interesting comment and BTW I’m really impressed with your commitment to daily davening because (at this point) it far surpasses my own.
You said:
“It really bothers me to know that men at my shul will go daven Orthodox knowing full well that women such as myself are excluded in these settings. I have to wonder if they wouldn’t prefer me to be excluded in ours as well.”
Although you certainly could be right I myself wouldn’t jump to any conclusions on this one. They may be like me in that they simply feel that it is important to play by “House rules” even when they don’t fit so well with us. But if they do so what? I say let them daven wherever they like just as long as when they comeback to your shul they play by your shuls egalitarian standards.
“I will never daven in an Orthodox setting, never daven behind any mechitza, as you may have gathered from my blog title! There are just some places I don’t belong”
For the most part I agree with you on the above but I don’t want to say never just not likely.
Also I certainly understand (not that you don’t) that where I don’t belong may feel quite right to some other people and I can respect that.
This Chabad experience most certainly wasn’t my first time doing mismatched Jewishly speaking and like I’ve mentioned above in the post, it really didn’t upset me. I’m not even suggesting that they are of wrong for being the way that they are. Simply that at this point in time I’m not prepared to meet their standards for ” inclusion” because their understanding of Judaism doesn’t reflect my own.
I like to sit with my wife at shul and although she doesn’t wrap tefillin, wear a kipah or a tallit gadol (which the traditionalist in me actually likes) I think it’s important that this be her choice and not one imposed on her by the community.
Be well
“As a woman I will never run into this kind of situation, but I find things even worse for me in many ways.”
As a Jew by birth who was raised reform; I agree with you though I do see it a little differently. I too believe in the equality of women in Judaism or at least the choice to have equal access (if you will) to men. However, I don’t see what one person struggles with as more or less worse than the other. What a man or woman struggles with, in my opinion, should not be compared to in a greater than or lesser than way. All our struggles are valid and so much history and experience front loads how we deal and react in different situations that, for me, it’s important I do my best to sincerely try to understand what a person might be struggling with.
The remainder of this comment has been turned into a post because it got far too long. Please feel free to read and comment on that post.
I wrote a post but deleted it all. I’m just choosing not to go on with this one. TG likes having a wife who doesn’t wear a tallis or tefillin, Tamera doesn’t like wearing them, sounds like a good match to me. I’m happy that this works for you and I say that sincerely since this could also be taken as sarcasm depending on how it is read.
I find great meaning in wearing tallis and tefillin and davening regularly. Obviously this is not for everyone or we would have no problems getting minyan everyday! We have women like me in attendance, we have women not like me in attendance. I’m always just happy to see women and men attending. I told Rabbi once that I think my being a regular part of minyan makes it easier for other women to come to minyan and he agreed. I feel honored to be able to do this simple thing, but we all have our own roles.
And that’s where I’ll leave off.
Hi Yael
You said:
“I wrote a post but deleted it all. I’m just choosing not to go on with this one.”
That certainly is your prerogative but telling us about it is just evil because of course my curiosity is now peaked. LOL JK!
You said:
“TG likes having a wife who doesn’t wear a tallis or tefillin, Tamera doesn’t like wearing them, sounds like a good match to me. I’m happy that this works for you and I say that sincerely since this could also be taken as sarcasm depending on how it is read.”
Thank you very much I do take it as a compliment because doing Jewish as a couple requires a certain amount of compatibility and I think in that regard we are a great fit.
You said:
“I find great meaning in wearing tallis and tefillin and davening regularly. Obviously this is not for everyone or we would have no problems getting minyan everyday! We have women like me in attendance, we have women not like me in attendance. I’m always just happy to see women and men attending. I told Rabbi once that I think my being a regular part of minyan makes it easier for other women to come to minyan and he agreed. I feel honored to be able to do this simple thing, but we all have our own roles.”
I think it’s awesome that you find meaning with the above because it’s something I believe is extremely important Jewishly speaking but nonetheless, something I struggle with almost daily. I connect to a lot of Judaism in a very deep way but ritual/communal prayer is definitely not my strong suit. Also I would agree with you and your rabbi’s assessment that you probably play an important role in making daily communal prayer viable for other women in your congregation. That’s something to be proud of and I for one support 100%. In fact if I had a daughter I would want her raised in a shul where she was exposed to just that situation. Regardless of what my or Tamara’s preferences might be we want our children exposed to a variety of options in terms of Judaism. We are definitely on the traditional side of Judaism but we like egalitarian traditional and that’s where we put our energy and support.
Anyhow this post was really more about diversity and fitting in (or nonfitting in). In part this post was a reflection on a situation where I felt I wanted and needed to stand my own ground without trampling on anyone else’s ground. I’m a very strong believer in Klal Yisrael and to me that includes learning to live with and respect orthodoxy (even) Chabad whenever possible. However, having said that, you for you this without selling out my own values. and I know that not everyone is always going to agree with the solutions/understanding/compromises I come to but it is nonetheless my prerogative. not that you’re suggesting anything different.
Be well
Yael, I couldn’t help but sense that something I wrote rubbed you wrong. If so, please know there was nothing derogatory in my post. As a matter of fact I like that I appreciate and accept both men and women practicing Judaism in ways that suit them best. Equally, I like that I realize that although it’s not wrong for a man to do this or a woman to do that; I know what feels comfy for me.
Just wanted you and anyone else reading to know I for sure wasn’t knocking your tradition or way of connecting. I think it’s beautiful and agree that you being there might motivate others to do the same. I think it’s great.
That’s all
Tamara and TG,
Nothing to apologize for but I appreciate your concern. I just decided not to pursue my line of thought further. We each make our own decisions as to where we daven and where we don’t based on quite valid reasoning. The reality is there is much room for differences within Judaism as to how we express our Judaism and I appreciate that, even if at times I don’t!
Wearing tallis and tefillin, davening at minyan are at the core of my soul as a Jew, but that is me. This is also a tough place to be because I’m traditional but not at all in the way women are always thought of as traditional. It’s still quite groundbreaking territory which makes it difficult. I actually feel more at ease talking about my religious life as a Jew with open-minded Christians than I do with Jews and I am somewhat bothered by this.
Should I not feel most at ease in my own place? And to a certain extent I do. Minyan is definitely the best part of my life as a Jew, but when I leave minyan where do I go? Off to talk (not debate) with Christians about God and Torah! Why do I feel accepted as a religious Jewish woman with them, but feel either somewhat or almost totally alienated as a religous Jewish woman among Jews? That is my struggle. It seems that most of the Jewish women who are like me are rabbis, only I’m not a rabbi nor will I ever be one so I don’t fit with them either. I guess I’m still trying to find my way.
Now as far as me motivating others to do the things I do? Maybe there is some of that but I think that would come in more with young girls, me presenting a picture of an average woman doing these things rather than just the women rabbis and Jewish educators they normally see. Mostly I like being there at minyan so that women my age can come say kaddish without feeling they are intruding on a male space; being there for those women who might want to explore davening but are unsure of its value for them. It’s more about comfort levels and access I think than about motivation, although I suppose one never knows.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know there was no offense taken since there was none given.
Thanks Yael. And for the record, the meat of your comment is a VERY good post topic in and of itself. Exploring it further on this blog, or your’s, or both sounds like an excellent idea to me. The issue of not feeling at home within your own family is a good one. And I think you’d be surprised at how many of us feel the same way in one form or another.
Rabbi tells me it’s a Jewish thing to never want to belong to a club that would have me as a member. I forget who said it….
I’m not sure if it’s that or if it’s just part of the process of finding my place in a world that was totally foreign to me just a few years ago.
Here would be a better place to blog this topic if you’d like. Feel free to copy and paste anything you consider of value to such a discussion.
This has certainly been an active thread, so I thought I would toss in my two shekelim…
I have been in a nearly identical situation in my local Chabad house, and it elicits a difficult set of emotions. On the one hand, I have an enormous amount of respect for Chabad, because they are doing an enormous amount of good work in reaching out to non-religious Jews. They are passionate, and they are seconded outside of Israel in their efforts by none; within Israel, and I guess New York, the Breslovers also make this a priority. But they certainly do more than our stuffy non-Orthodox institutions often do. Their seriousness is also deeply moving to me.
And yet, at this point I can not bring myself to become a Haredi Jew, which is what would have to happen for me to have a conversion they’d recognize. Despite my daily laying of tefillin, observance of kashrut, the fact that at my synagogue I am a gabbai, at times the shliach tzibbur, and the bar/bat mitzvah teacher, Avi and Yair would have been heading for the door together, if I’d been there. Avi, I liked your point about staying there being no different in terms of impact on your sense of Shabbat Kodesh than driving. That is a great analogy.
When I made my decision to convert after years of study, I lost a lot in terms of relationships with friends and family who didn’t approve. I have never regretted my choice, and will live and die a religious Jew, and as such, I am not willing to have my experience and sacrifice dragged through the mud by not counting in a minyan, even if it is not the intent of the counters to make me feel that way.
Kol tuv!
Yair
Hey Yair
Thanks for the insightful comment! I’m tight on time right now and this post is a little on the old side of things, so I’m not going to go into a long comment. I did however want to let you know that I appreciated your thoughts on the subject and I’m glad that I am not the only who feels like I’ am walking a tightrope of respect, tolerance and (legitimate) self-preservation. Of course all this is assuming that I understood you correctly. Anyhow thanks for the feedback!
I actually feel more at ease talking about my religious life as a Jew with open-minded Christians than I do with Jews and I am somewhat bothered by this.
Just wanted to update you. Things have a way of working out….I have been reminded again of where I belong. My life is as a Jew and even if sometimes it is a bit awkward when other Jews don’t get why I’m so fascinated with Torah and God, I am still most at home with us. Even the most secular Jew understands me better than the most religious Christian. I’m right where I belong.
[...] post was initially intended to be a comment to Avi’s last post on the JewsByChoice.Org (”How I Stopped Being a Jew…”) and a response to Avi’s and Yael’s comments. Because I couldn’t stop my thoughts , I’ve [...]